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My mom’s body was bent, curled, and utterly ruined when she died. She had been sick for a very long time. Still, when she died it hurt so much I thought I might break from the pain of it. People tried to tell me that my grief and sadness were unwarranted, that I should have been rejoicing because her suffering had ended. Well-meaning people reminded me that young people die in perfect health, in accidents. They compared the loss of my mom to those losses, as if her leaving mattered less.
Here's what I think: our losses are deeply personal. We should not compare our grief to that of another. We should not compare our hardships. Did the pain of others diminish the loss of my mother? Should I have grieved less because she suffered from a horrible disease that eventually consumed her? Of course not. We cannot quantify grief. It is what it is.
I cried when my beloved German shepherd, Kina, died. I still tear up when I think of her. She was loyal, equally capable of puppy wiggles and guard dog possessiveness. I grieved the loss of her. Is the loss of a beloved pet a big thing in the face of starving children? No, but I felt it nonetheless.
I'm grateful that my tears aren't reserved for big things. I'm grateful for the tears that fall over what some would quantify as little things. I am grateful for the passion that I feel about life. I don't regret it. Life is too short to live it with our hearts always in check.
There will always be people who are better off and worse. Always there will be catastrophic losses, small grief's, huge joys, and simple blessings. One loss does not magnify or diminish another.
Every living thing dies. Does that mean that we should not mourn? Of course not. We feel it. We keep it in perspective. We remember that loss has come and will come again.
Pain reminds us to appreciate joy when it comes. Death reminds us to love the living harder, fiercer, and better.
We spend too much time apologizing for our pain. We spend too much time trying to compose ourselves. Life is short. I want to feel it, every moment of it. I don't want to get lost inside of pain, but I want to walk through it when it comes. I don't want to duck under it or dart past it.
When you're in pain, I promise that I will not say chin up or it's for the best or life goes on or God's still in heaven. I'll simply let you know that I feel for you and with you. If you need a hug, I'll give it.
©Just Kate, Rewritten April 15, 2010.
(Originally published in 2008 as "Everybody Dies")
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Yes, empathy and a hug. Platitudes and comparisons aren't the least bit helpful when people are hurting. xo
Thank you. :) It seems like such a simple and obvious thing but people seem to really struggle with knowing how to react when people are hurting.
Beth,
It's a human thing to want to give meaning to our losses, to attempt to explain the inexplicable, to impose order when things are chaotic... I think that's where the platitudes are born. The truth is that bad things happen to good people, most of life is a mystery, and we do live in the midst of a great deal of chaos. I think we need to learn to sit and be still with the hard stuff, to not to try explain it away.
I'm glad you didn't say those things to your friend, albeit I'm absolutely sure you would have said them with good intentions. I hope things get better for her. Thank you for letting me know you were here.
I don't know why but it irritates me when people say "well it was God's will" as if we're not supposed to grieve because of it. Yet Jesus wept when He learned that Lazarus died. Even though he raised him from the dead shortly afterward.
Funny how that works, huh? Maybe Jesus was being sinful and greedy and just wrong to shed tears for him.
Thank you! =D
I know why it irks me to hear, "Well, it was God's will." It's because it's so dismissive. It's like saying, "Get over it already. It's what God wanted!" That way nobody has to be made to feel uncomfortable due to another person's pain. And it's such a silly, silly thing to say.
Is all of the horrible stuff that happens REALLY God's will? It's no more God's will that a child dies from, say, cancer, than it is God's will that I got the front parking space at Target the other day. It's just a trite thing to say to show that one is really "living for the Lord." It's an utterly meaningless thing to say.
I'm certain that God does NOT want bad things to happen, albeit I KNOW bad things can and often do lead to good if we're patient or determinedly looking on the "bright side of it."
I also don't think God wants us all to get THAT MUCH FATTER because we didn't have to walk a hundred feet from the back parking space to the door-front. Sometimes it's convenient to get the front space in a hurry, and that's a happy coincidence but I refuse to believe God willed it.
And what you said about Jesus and Lazarus was PERFECT, Doug. Thank you for saying it. I remember feeling like I was being selfish by being so upset that my mom died. I was supposed to be JOYFUL because she was in heaven and her suffering was over. Okay. But I really, really missed her. I bet Jesus totally understand my sadness. :)
My father was diagnosed with lung cancer and after having his lung removed and being placed on a feeding tube and knowing he'd never leave the hospital, he was given 6 months to a year to live. He died a few scant weeks after that diagnosis. I was told by MANY that it was a good thing God took him sooner. It didn't feel like a good thing to ME!
A paper cut seems insignifigant UNTIL it is you who feels the cut.
Wonderfully written and said my friend. ♥
You are a wise woman dear Kate. Love Annette B.
You are a wise woman dear Kate. Love Annette B.
You are so right about the paper-cut. It's an excellent illustration. One of the biggest mistakes me make in communication is simply that we talk too much and listen too little.
It may have been a good thing that your dad was no longer suffering, but that did not take anything away from the very real pain you felt at losing him. However, I do understand the instinct that drives people to try to minimize pain. When my dad died and my oldest son was hurting so badly, I would have said or done ANYTHING to try to lessen his pain. Looking back, I wish I had simply let him feel it but I couldn't stand it at the time. I wanted the hurt to stop. I wanted him to be okay again. It's hard to let the people we love feel pain.
♥
Ha! I love it when you show up twice, Annette. =D
Annette, When I read your comment I immediately thought of my mom's illness. I watched as my mom who was bubbly and funny and surrounded by friends, slowly lost her support system. In the end, she only had family. Her illness was too much for her friends. I still have hurt in my heart toward a few of them. It seems like the worst kind of selfishness to me to walk away from another persons suffering. :(
It hurts my heart that people walked away from you, Annette. I know it's HARD to endure sickness, to stand beside someone when it's as hard as it gets, but my dad taught me about commitment. No matter how sick my mother got, he never once thought of leaving her. He loved her until the day he died. I know that's true. And I'm thankful for his example of how to love when it's inconvenient and lonely and hard.
Layla's family have remained in my prayers. xoxo
I really like the way you explained why you think people use platitudes. I hope you wont mind if I quote you. Beth (I think I finally figured how to make these comments thread)
That didn't work. Maybe I needed to copy the comment number instead of the name. Hope you don't mind if I try it.
Beth, I'm happy that you're taking the time to figure out how to thread comments! The easiest way to do it is to copy the number that pops up after you click on the blog title, then "post a comment." You can copy the name BUT it will attach to the last post by that person, which may not be the post you want to attach your comment to, as you can see. :)
As for quoting me, I'm happy to be quoted as long as the quote is attributed (Just Kate, 2010) with a link to my blog, if the quote is done electronically. I'm honored, by the way. Thank you!
I was in a similar situation a little over a year ago and cringed every time someone would say, in their well meaning way, "Well it could have been worse blah, blah, blah."
It's hard to learn to sit with people in their pain, so we say ridiculous, dismissive, and even hurtful things in an effort to make it better. The truth is that pain must be gotten through. We can't leap over it or side-step it. Well, we CAN but it's just going to come right back and bite us in the ass.
Thanks for visiting, Just me! =D
Some of us grieve for lengthy periods of time and some do so, less.
I think people say these things to help us lessen it, to shorten the time we suffer. Not to diminish it or trivialize it. We all know how much it hurts, and there are sympathetic pains. We hurt for each other. So our desire is not only for someone else to recover quickly for themselves, but for us as well.
Every time I know you are in pain or not feeling well, I hate it. lol... dramatic, I know.... but I mean it... I care and I love to think of Katy... smiling and happy. I know life isn't peaches and cream and you won't ever see life that way. I know. I just think about how much those that we lose, want us to be smiling and happy, even when they are gone.
They want nothing more than to know they are in our heart and our love for them was always there.
I think. I could be wrong.
I agree that people are well-intentioned. I know that when I have seen my children grieving and in pain I have felt wild with the need to "fix it." It's so hard to just love them through it. I want it to be better. That being said, I know that trying to fix it doesn't help and isn't the right thing to do. People need to be listened to and loved. They don't need platitudes.
I also agree that our loved ones would want us to be happy, of course they do! That doesn't mean that we won't grieve the loss of them and knowing what they want doesn't make it easier for us to move on. We have to grieve. So, it's a bit of a conundrum. There's the desire to fix it, which is perfectly normal and well intentioned, and there's the difficult reality that it doesn't help. :)
Empathy and a hug... nice. :)
@Duncan de la Montagne
Yes, empathy and a hug. Platitudes and comparisons aren't the least bit helpful when people are hurting. xo
as always ....said perfectly
Thank you. :) It seems like such a simple and obvious thing but people seem to really struggle with knowing how to react when people are hurting.
I needed to read this today because I have a friend who's going through a hard time and I haven't known what to say to her. I thought about saying that it's God's will and she just needs to have faith but that didn't seem right. Beth
Beth,
It's a human thing to want to give meaning to our losses, to attempt to explain the inexplicable, to impose order when things are chaotic... I think that's where the platitudes are born. The truth is that bad things happen to good people, most of life is a mystery, and we do live in the midst of a great deal of chaos. I think we need to learn to sit and be still with the hard stuff, to not to try explain it away.
I'm glad you didn't say those things to your friend, albeit I'm absolutely sure you would have said them with good intentions. I hope things get better for her. Thank you for letting me know you were here.
Eloquent and wise.
Thank you! =D
Hmm. You said this so simply. I have struggled with putting forth the same idea and have tried using lots of words to do so. Empathy and a hug pretty much says it all too.
I don't know why but it irritates me when people say "well it was God's will" as if we're not supposed to grieve because of it. Yet Jesus wept when He learned that Lazarus died. Even though he raised him from the dead shortly afterward.
Funny how that works, huh? Maybe Jesus was being sinful and greedy and just wrong to shed tears for him.
@wolfshades.com
I know why it irks me to hear, "Well, it was God's will." It's because it's so dismissive. It's like saying, "Get over it already. It's what God wanted!" That way nobody has to be made to feel uncomfortable due to another person's pain. And it's such a silly, silly thing to say.
Is all of the horrible stuff that happens REALLY God's will? It's no more God's will that a child dies from, say, cancer, than it is God's will that I got the front parking space at Target the other day. It's just a trite thing to say to show that one is really "living for the Lord." It's an utterly meaningless thing to say.
I'm certain that God does NOT want bad things to happen, albeit I KNOW bad things can and often do lead to good if we're patient or determinedly looking on the "bright side of it."
I also don't think God wants us all to get THAT MUCH FATTER because we didn't have to walk a hundred feet from the back parking space to the door-front. Sometimes it's convenient to get the front space in a hurry, and that's a happy coincidence but I refuse to believe God willed it.
And what you said about Jesus and Lazarus was PERFECT, Doug. Thank you for saying it. I remember feeling like I was being selfish by being so upset that my mom died. I was supposed to be JOYFUL because she was in heaven and her suffering was over. Okay. But I really, really missed her. I bet Jesus totally understand my sadness. :)
This is the truth of you. I know because you have allowed me to share my pains, hurts and worries with you. Every time you listen and offer empathy. You've not once said get over it. =) You've allowed me to FEEL and in doing so you've allowed me to heal. ♥
My father was diagnosed with lung cancer and after having his lung removed and being placed on a feeding tube and knowing he'd never leave the hospital, he was given 6 months to a year to live. He died a few scant weeks after that diagnosis. I was told by MANY that it was a good thing God took him sooner. It didn't feel like a good thing to ME!
A paper cut seems insignifigant UNTIL it is you who feels the cut.
Wonderfully written and said my friend. ♥
You are so right about the paper-cut. It's an excellent illustration. One of the biggest mistakes me make in communication is simply that we talk too much and listen too little.
It may have been a good thing that your dad was no longer suffering, but that did not take anything away from the very real pain you felt at losing him. However, I do understand the instinct that drives people to try to minimize pain. When my dad died and my oldest son was hurting so badly, I would have said or done ANYTHING to try to lessen his pain. Looking back, I wish I had simply let him feel it but I couldn't stand it at the time. I wanted the hurt to stop. I wanted him to be okay again. It's hard to let the people we love feel pain.
♥
I love this and it is so very true. It is even the same when a person is suffering from an illness. When I had the cancer, we had a couple who would not speak to us any longer and I could not figure out if they thought my cancer was contageous or what. I now feel that they honestly did not know what to say. Just listening to another's pain and understanding their hurt helps so tremendously. And you are right, all hurt is real, no matter what the circumstances. My sweet little Layla friend who died recently suffered tremendously but oh did it hurt to see what her and her family went through. Her mommy blogged recently that the last month or so has been a fog for her. Just in going through the daily rituals of living has been so hard. Layla's two sisters don't understand why sissy is no longer going to come home from the hospital.
You are a wise woman dear Kate. Love Annette B.
Annette, When I read your comment I immediately thought of my mom's illness. I watched as my mom who was bubbly and funny and surrounded by friends, slowly lost her support system. In the end, she only had family. Her illness was too much for her friends. I still have hurt in my heart toward a few of them. It seems like the worst kind of selfishness to me to walk away from another persons suffering. :(
It hurts my heart that people walked away from you, Annette. I know it's HARD to endure sickness, to stand beside someone when it's as hard as it gets, but my dad taught me about commitment. No matter how sick my mother got, he never once thought of leaving her. He loved her until the day he died. I know that's true. And I'm thankful for his example of how to love when it's inconvenient and lonely and hard.
Layla's family have remained in my prayers. xoxo
I really like the way you explained why you think people use platitudes. I hope you wont mind if I quote you. Beth (I think I finally figured how to make these comments thread)
That didn't work. Maybe I needed to copy the comment number instead of the name. Hope you don't mind if I try it.
Beth, I'm happy that you're taking the time to figure out how to thread comments! The easiest way to do it is to copy the number that pops up after you click on the blog title, then "post a comment." You can copy the name BUT it will attach to the last post by that person, which may not be the post you want to attach your comment to, as you can see. :)
As for quoting me, I'm happy to be quoted as long as the quote is attributed (Just Kate, 2010) with a link to my blog, if the quote is done electronically. I'm honored, by the way. Thank you!
Me
It's hard to learn to sit with people in their pain, so we say ridiculous, dismissive, and even hurtful things in an effort to make it better. The truth is that pain must be gotten through. We can't leap over it or side-step it. Well, we CAN but it's just going to come right back and bite us in the ass.
Thanks for visiting, Just me! =D
I love this and it is so very true. It is even the same when a person is suffering from an illness. When I had the cancer, we had a couple who would not speak to us any longer and I could not figure out if they thought my cancer was contageous or what. I now feel that they honestly did not know what to say. Just listening to another's pain and understanding their hurt helps so tremendously. And you are right, all hurt is real, no matter what the circumstances. My sweet little Layla friend who died recently suffered tremendously but oh did it hurt to see what her and her family went through. Her mommy blogged recently that the last month or so has been a fog for her. Just in going through the daily rituals of living has been so hard. Layla's two sisters don't understand why sissy is no longer going to come home from the hospital.
You are a wise woman dear Kate. Love Annette B.
Ha! I love it when you show up twice, Annette. =D
Well said! I wish I could have explained it like that.
I was in a similar situation a little over a year ago and cringed every time someone would say, in their well meaning way, "Well it could have been worse blah, blah, blah."
~♥~
I totally get what you mean.
Some of us grieve for lengthy periods of time and some do so, less.
I think people say these things to help us lessen it, to shorten the time we suffer. Not to diminish it or trivialize it. We all know how much it hurts, and there are sympathetic pains. We hurt for each other. So our desire is not only for someone else to recover quickly for themselves, but for us as well.
Every time I know you are in pain or not feeling well, I hate it. lol... dramatic, I know.... but I mean it... I care and I love to think of Katy... smiling and happy. I know life isn't peaches and cream and you won't ever see life that way. I know. I just think about how much those that we lose, want us to be smiling and happy, even when they are gone.
They want nothing more than to know they are in our heart and our love for them was always there.
I think. I could be wrong.
@Andrew
I agree that people are well-intentioned. I know that when I have seen my children grieving and in pain I have felt wild with the need to "fix it." It's so hard to just love them through it. I want it to be better. That being said, I know that trying to fix it doesn't help and isn't the right thing to do. People need to be listened to and loved. They don't need platitudes.
I also agree that our loved ones would want us to be happy, of course they do! That doesn't mean that we won't grieve the loss of them and knowing what they want doesn't make it easier for us to move on. We have to grieve. So, it's a bit of a conundrum. There's the desire to fix it, which is perfectly normal and well intentioned, and there's the difficult reality that it doesn't help. :)
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