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That person that you envy, the one that appears to have everything you want? I can assure you that they don't. It's an illusion. Do you see that beautiful, slender girl? Don't look too close. She cuts herself where you can't see. There's pain inside of her that runs so deep she'd do anything to let it out.
That one over there, see her? Her body isn't even her own. She lets anybody and everybody in. Greedy hands and lips draw and drag against hot skin but she feels nothing at all.
He owns the basketball court. He OWNS it, but that's all he's got. He's getting older and that warranty on his right knee is about to run out and he knows it. If he's not the best, he's nothing at all.
Look at that gorgeous house. An eight car garage? Are you kidding me. His suit costs more than you make in a month, working overtime. He's got everything. But ducking into his SUV, laying his briefcase on the passenger seat, he feels a tightness in his chest. He's got enough money to comfortably retire and he's still young, but he has no identity apart from his material success, apart from his business prowess. If budget cuts cost him his job, he's got a gun that will take that pain away; he'd rather be dead than unemployed.
He's got the perfect wife. They seem so happy. They're always holding hands and talking about how much they love each other. You wonder if you'll ever find that special someone. What you don't see is the distance between them when they're not in public. You don't hear the deafening silence. You only think you want what they've got. It's all smoke and mirrors.
There will always be people who are better or worse off than we are. One doesn't have to look far to find someone that is poorer or richer, prettier or homelier.
We need to spend more time thinking about what we do have and less time thinking about what we don't have. Envy is never productive; it never leads anywhere but DOWN. Gratitude, on the other hand, can lift us up and make us better.
My mother suffered from a degenerative disease of the central nervous system that left her a prisoner in her own body. She couldn't walk or talk or even eat without a gastronomy tube but she was dancing on the inside. One need only look past the obvious physical affliction to see it; she had irrepressible joy that radiated through her smile. How easy it would have been for her to fall into self pity and envy but I never saw her do it. On the other hand, I can't imagine that anyone ever saw past her broken body to envy the beautiful heart of her, but there was much of substance to envy there. She taught me most everything I know about love and gratitude and the substance of joy.
This holiday season, let’s count our blessings then count them again. What are you grateful for, my friends?
©Just Kate, 2009
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-R
I know you!
I'm grateful for all of those things, too, except for the wife part. I'm grateful for the faithful love of my husband who blesses me beyond measure. :0)
I'd say you've made an outstanding start.
A key word: PERCEPTION. More often than not our perceptions of others are not TRUTH. Tiger Woods is an excellent example. Perfection is always a veneer. It's cliche to say, "If it looks too good to be true it probably is," but it's a cliche precisely because it's TRUE!
Thank you for reading and commenting.
It's easy to define a person by their disability or disease but that's never the substance of who a person is. It's like something they're wearing; it's a surface thing. I'm grateful to my mom for demonstrating the truth of that and to my children who remind me of that truth every single day. :)
I enjoyed following your thought process as I read through your comment.
Thank you for visiting, Becca. I hope you'll come again.
Kate
*does happy dance*
I'm so glad you posted your response here because it's both substantive and beautifully expressed. I love the idea of MYSTERY behind what seems obvious. YES!!! You nailed it, my sistah.
I'm glad I found the key to get you writing here. I start singing and you run away and start writing! LOL Perfect! =D
In the mean time the youngest had been screamed at after being told several times to do something and completely ignoring her mom. She was now facing the wall with her nose to it while she thought about "being more polite."
The boy was upstairs doing who knows what and dinner almost ended up burnt.
I was trying to help by lightening things up with laughter so we could all focus and not get so freaked out. Even L was starting to mellow out a bit. Yay!
Here's the part I am thankful for. The girlfriend (age 15) looks at me and she says "Has anyone ever told you that you're awesome. Because you are. How can you be so great?" I looked at her and said the first thing that popped into my head. "I never had children so I never really had to grow up all the way." In that one instance I was grateful I wasn't the hurried Mom trying to get things done, while not realizing my kids were feeling just as frazzled as I was.
I was the adult who the kids listen to but aren't afraid to joke around with.
You know me and what the hardest thing for me to let go of is BUT in that one instance I was GLAD for it.
So right as of this moment my blessing is my love for children even if I was not blessed with any of my own.
Gosh I went on and on. But I had been wanting to tell you about that day and this just happened to be the perfect place to do it. ♥
You said, "I'm grateful to see the beauty inside of crumbling physical bodies every day..." I love that! Beauty truly is an inner, spiritual thing that lies INSIDE a person. Outsides can be so very deceptive. I think you ARE blessed to see that every day.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting! =D
Okay, first off I have to say that you are awesome!
It hurts my heart that you weren't able to have children because I think you would have been an amazing mom. That being said, had you been a mom you might not have had the time to impact the lives of so many other children. I don't think our sorrows are ever wasted, my friend. Beauty can spring from the ashes of our dreams!
I love hearing these stories, Chris. It didn't seem long at all and this was the perfect place to do it. I am always buoyed up by expressions of gratitude. Thank you, my friend.
xoxo
Gratitude or envy - half full or half empty. We can sit in the same spot and see totally different things. Glad to have someone slap me up the side of the head and remind me which way to look.
So I guess I'll add your name to those many things I am grateful for. Smile Katers.
"We can sit in the same spot and see totally different things." Yep. It's all a matter of perspective! More often than not what we think we're seeing isn't really the truth at all, as is the case with the people/things we envy. Is it really better over there on the other side of the fence? Quite possibly not. :)
"Katers" makes me smile. I was feeling a bit down and you've helped to lift me up, my friend. Here's your smile --> :0) (You'll have to imagine the real one.)
Thank you for this. Keeping you in my prayers as always!
xoxo
Colleen
I love what you said here, my friend. It makes me miss the days of blogging on ms. I so love reading you.
This blog was born of my own frustration of late. Since our son was injured and life was turned upside down, I seem to be experiencing an inordinate number of trials that seem bigger than they are and more numerous because I'm already overwhelmed. Anyway, I was at the store, watching other shoppers who seemed so carefree and for a moment I was filled with envy. I wanted to yell that my son is in the hospital...
Later, walking into the hospital, I saw parents pushing their children in wheelchairs. Some of the kids were bald. They were all unfailingly cheerful. That's when I realized how silly it was for me to assume that just because other people LOOK carefree that they are carefree.
Maybe I'll write it out in that context a bit later. I don't know why I focused on other aspects of "envy" in this piece. It's just what CAME. I've learned to trust my instincts so I didn't fight it. I'm sure there's a reason I wrote this the way I did.
Anyway, thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. I always feel honored and blessed to know that you've read.
xoxo
I'm all about envy. Not about the things you can't really have, but about the things you need to aspire to. I envy that old married couple in their 80's who bicker mildly at each other but still hold hands.
I envy the man who is free. Not that I'm not, but there are degrees of freedom and usually the only one holding us back from that is...well, us. Me.
I used to envy older folk who have lost their social filter and now speak their harsh truths willingly, which causes others to be *very* careful around them. Used to envy them until I figured out what they were doing, and, after coming to the realization that they don't tolerate foolishness, decided to emulate them somewhat. Talk about liberating!
Plus, it's fun to say nothing but give the 1000 yard stare when someone makes a patently ridiculous comment (like: "do you really need to use the topic of sex to make your point?") *laughing*
I watch one of my sisters going through some fairly painful stuff with her marriage and kids, and seeing the irrepressible joy she feels as she plows through, and ensures she makes time for herself by driving to a town far away, just so she can ride her bicyle along some of the trails - and realize she's got it.
I suppose the term for this would be "realistic envy" instead of "stupid envy". :)
Cheers!
The word envy has negative connotations in my mind; it causes us to COVET what another has instead of working to reach our own goals; it leads us to inertia and anger but does not positively motivate us.
I would describe what you're talking about as admiration more than envy. Admiration often motivates us to emulate the person we admire or to reach to obtain the thing we admire.
As for the Tiger Woods thing, I think the point was that he is living with such a lack of integrity and character that there's really nothing to envy there despite his talent and material success.
Which leads me to ask, what value lies in outrageous talent and material success without character and integrity? It's an important question for me because my life has been impacted hugely by someone who lives a lie. People seem to admire his VENEER without bothering to investigate what lies beneath. I used to envy the person I speak of but I came to realize that he was far more deserving of my pity.
Anyway, to reiterate my intent in the blog, I strongly believe that envy is a destructive and wasteful emotion. Motivation is good but I don't see motivation as coming from envy.
I think it's really just a matter of semantics: you say "envy" and I say "admire.
I think of YOU, my friend, and how beautiful you are. Looking at you, one would never have a clue that you've had MAJOR heart surgery, that you have suffered as you have. It would be easy to assume that you're just another beautiful woman with a handsome husband and a gorgeous house that has EVERYTHING *eyes turning green with ENVY* but you're much more than what's immediately apparent on the SURFACE.
I don't envy you, Annette, but I do admire you. I admire your beauty and kindness and strength. You inspire me to be better. Envy would never do that. :0)
Obviously the thing I am thankful for the most this year is my wife and family. I miss my mom though. It'll be the first Christmas without her.
John G.
My father died about a week before Christmas several years ago, so I am acutely aware every year of how fleeting life is and how I need to not take the people I love for granted.
Like you, I am most grateful for my family: my wonderful husband and children.
I hope your Christmas is truly blessed, my friend.
Merry Christmas, my friend.
Kate, I'm thakful, most of all, for friends and family. All the other stuff can go away, doesn't really matter. I'm thankful for you! You've been a blessing.
A week or two ago I encountered a stranger who was just awful to me in a public place. I would normally have shrugged it off with a smile but because of the situation with our son being in the hospital, I actually got teary over it and didn't hide my response quickly enough. She barked, "What's wrong with you?!" I said, "My son's in the hospital with brain trauma and I'm just barely holding on. Your unkindness was just..." and I shrugged. She was clearly mortified.
We're all busy and sometimes we forget to pay attention to the people around us, to pause and show kindness, to really LISTEN and love. We can so easily assume that someone else is better off or "lucky" or whatever and we may be completely off the mark.
I love your heart, Jay. I truly do. Thank you for being my friend.
Merry Christmas! Katy
I am grateful for having such a brilliant wife! I am grateful for our children and our home! I'm proud of our oldest son who's growing up, learning responsibility, and has true character and good morals. I'm grateful for a great job, especially in this economy - a job where I don't need to fear layoffs. I'm also grateful for the freedom to express my political views and pursue higher education! How's that for a start?
-R
Wait.
I know you!
I'm grateful for all of those things, too, except for the wife part. I'm grateful for the faithful love of my husband who blesses me beyond measure. :0)
I'd say you've made an outstanding start.
Your blog has me thinking of Tiger Woods. So many people envied him because of his success, talent, and marriage, but it seems obvious that his life is not as perfect as it appears. You are right that we need to count our own blessings rather than the blessings that we perceive others as having. Thank you.
Anonymous,
A key word: PERCEPTION. More often than not our perceptions of others are not TRUTH. Tiger Woods is an excellent example. Perfection is always a veneer. It's cliche to say, "If it looks too good to be true it probably is," but it's a cliche precisely because it's TRUE!
Thank you for reading and commenting.
I'm greatful for everything from M&Ms to my boyfriend. I never thought of envying someone who was sick or disabled because I don't want to be either of those things but you made me think about the people themselves and not just their sickness, or disability. Most of my friends envy famous people who seem to have everything that they want and I envy them too but maybe we're all envying the wrong people or shouldn't really envy anyone at all. You're making me think!!!!! Becca
Becca,
It's easy to define a person by their disability or disease but that's never the substance of who a person is. It's like something they're wearing; it's a surface thing. I'm grateful to my mom for demonstrating the truth of that and to my children who remind me of that truth every single day. :)
I enjoyed following your thought process as I read through your comment.
Thank you for visiting, Becca. I hope you'll come again.
Kate
Love this piece... and so true! There is always a world of mystery behind everything that appears 'obvious.' To be thankful and not oblivious of what is real and true when we see and know it - is a gift I wish we all possessed. Great writing Katie!
Jo!
*does happy dance*
I'm so glad you posted your response here because it's both substantive and beautifully expressed. I love the idea of MYSTERY behind what seems obvious. YES!!! You nailed it, my sistah.
I'm glad I found the key to get you writing here. I start singing and you run away and start writing! LOL Perfect! =D
All should sing and dance! Tone deaf, rhythmless or not. Dance, singing and music...international language for joy! Loved the piece Katy! Yes, so many fronting illusions...with pain so real from not understanding the things that are real in meaning, I'm grateful to see the beauty inside of crumbling physical bodies every day in my field. Keeps me rightfully humble with a focus on what's really important. ~ Lana
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The other day I was at my friend L's house and her son's girlfriend was sitting on the floor with us while we were frantically doing holiday crafts. L was getting a short tempered since she HAD to get these things done so she and her youngest could leave for an event.
In the mean time the youngest had been screamed at after being told several times to do something and completely ignoring her mom. She was now facing the wall with her nose to it while she thought about "being more polite."
The boy was upstairs doing who knows what and dinner almost ended up burnt.
I was trying to help by lightening things up with laughter so we could all focus and not get so freaked out. Even L was starting to mellow out a bit. Yay!
Here's the part I am thankful for. The girlfriend (age 15) looks at me and she says "Has anyone ever told you that you're awesome. Because you are. How can you be so great?" I looked at her and said the first thing that popped into my head. "I never had children so I never really had to grow up all the way." In that one instance I was grateful I wasn't the hurried Mom trying to get things done, while not realizing my kids were feeling just as frazzled as I was.
I was the adult who the kids listen to but aren't afraid to joke around with.
You know me and what the hardest thing for me to let go of is BUT in that one instance I was GLAD for it.
So right as of this moment my blessing is my love for children even if I was not blessed with any of my own.
Gosh I went on and on. But I had been wanting to tell you about that day and this just happened to be the perfect place to do it. ♥
Lana,
You said, "I'm grateful to see the beauty inside of crumbling physical bodies every day..." I love that! Beauty truly is an inner, spiritual thing that lies INSIDE a person. Outsides can be so very deceptive. I think you ARE blessed to see that every day.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting! =D
CHICKEE,
Okay, first off I have to say that you are awesome!
It hurts my heart that you weren't able to have children because I think you would have been an amazing mom. That being said, had you been a mom you might not have had the time to impact the lives of so many other children. I don't think our sorrows are ever wasted, my friend. Beauty can spring from the ashes of our dreams!
I love hearing these stories, Chris. It didn't seem long at all and this was the perfect place to do it. I am always buoyed up by expressions of gratitude. Thank you, my friend.
xoxo
Such much to be grateful for I could not begin to list it all.
Gratitude or envy - half full or half empty. We can sit in the same spot and see totally different things. Glad to have someone slap me up the side of the head and remind me which way to look.
So I guess I'll add your name to those many things I am grateful for. Smile Katers.
Blogo,
"We can sit in the same spot and see totally different things." Yep. It's all a matter of perspective! More often than not what we think we're seeing isn't really the truth at all, as is the case with the people/things we envy. Is it really better over there on the other side of the fence? Quite possibly not. :)
"Katers" makes me smile. I was feeling a bit down and you've helped to lift me up, my friend. Here's your smile --> :0) (You'll have to imagine the real one.)
Kate ~ This is the absolute truth. Your words always strike a chord deep within. Envy and jealousy... deplete the soul....whereas gratitude and joy fill our souls up. We all have times where we're looking at our own situations and thinking how terrible we have it. We need to learn to be happy with what we DO have, sometimes it's just the simplest things in life!
Thank you for this. Keeping you in my prayers as always!
xoxo
Colleen
Colleen -
I love what you said here, my friend. It makes me miss the days of blogging on ms. I so love reading you.
This blog was born of my own frustration of late. Since our son was injured and life was turned upside down, I seem to be experiencing an inordinate number of trials that seem bigger than they are and more numerous because I'm already overwhelmed. Anyway, I was at the store, watching other shoppers who seemed so carefree and for a moment I was filled with envy. I wanted to yell that my son is in the hospital...
Later, walking into the hospital, I saw parents pushing their children in wheelchairs. Some of the kids were bald. They were all unfailingly cheerful. That's when I realized how silly it was for me to assume that just because other people LOOK carefree that they are carefree.
Maybe I'll write it out in that context a bit later. I don't know why I focused on other aspects of "envy" in this piece. It's just what CAME. I've learned to trust my instincts so I didn't fight it. I'm sure there's a reason I wrote this the way I did.
Anyway, thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. I always feel honored and blessed to know that you've read.
xoxo
SO. MANY. THOUGHTS. :) So....let's go with the easiest. One of the comments above mentioned a thought about not being envious of Tiger Woods, particularly since he's going through some emotional hard times right about now. Just wanted to say that I feel bad for him and his wife, and while, I'm not saying I envy his lifestyle, it seems to me that big old house of his (have you seen it? It's AWESOME) might feel a bit empty now that the Mrs. has gone. So....if he would like to donate it to a shivering Canadian...... I'm just sayin'
I'm all about envy. Not about the things you can't really have, but about the things you need to aspire to. I envy that old married couple in their 80's who bicker mildly at each other but still hold hands.
I envy the man who is free. Not that I'm not, but there are degrees of freedom and usually the only one holding us back from that is...well, us. Me.
I used to envy older folk who have lost their social filter and now speak their harsh truths willingly, which causes others to be *very* careful around them. Used to envy them until I figured out what they were doing, and, after coming to the realization that they don't tolerate foolishness, decided to emulate them somewhat. Talk about liberating!
Plus, it's fun to say nothing but give the 1000 yard stare when someone makes a patently ridiculous comment (like: "do you really need to use the topic of sex to make your point?") *laughing*
I watch one of my sisters going through some fairly painful stuff with her marriage and kids, and seeing the irrepressible joy she feels as she plows through, and ensures she makes time for herself by driving to a town far away, just so she can ride her bicyle along some of the trails - and realize she's got it.
I suppose the term for this would be "realistic envy" instead of "stupid envy". :)
Cheers!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Wolfshades,
The word envy has negative connotations in my mind; it causes us to COVET what another has instead of working to reach our own goals; it leads us to inertia and anger but does not positively motivate us.
I would describe what you're talking about as admiration more than envy. Admiration often motivates us to emulate the person we admire or to reach to obtain the thing we admire.
As for the Tiger Woods thing, I think the point was that he is living with such a lack of integrity and character that there's really nothing to envy there despite his talent and material success.
Which leads me to ask, what value lies in outrageous talent and material success without character and integrity? It's an important question for me because my life has been impacted hugely by someone who lives a lie. People seem to admire his VENEER without bothering to investigate what lies beneath. I used to envy the person I speak of but I came to realize that he was far more deserving of my pity.
Anyway, to reiterate my intent in the blog, I strongly believe that envy is a destructive and wasteful emotion. Motivation is good but I don't see motivation as coming from envy.
I think it's really just a matter of semantics: you say "envy" and I say "admire.
Oh my gosh Kate....This is awesome!!! How many of us look around and see what others have and feel they have it so much better. I remember as a little girl, we used to pass through the very wealthy neighborhood as we went home at night. I would gaze into their windows at night as we drove by, seeing the beautiful big chandeliers, huge staircases, and just be amazed at how beautiful their homes were. And, I would wonder about the people inside; what their lives were like. There are many times in my life, I have put a smile on my face when I am torn up inside. You have such a way of striking a chord within each of us. I love you my friend. Annette B. (Just in case you have more friends named Annette..lol)
Hi Annette! I love the way you hear and understand my heart. The story you shared is exactly what I'm talking about. It's so easy to see the outside of something or someone and assume that what we're seeing is something BETTER. Like I said to Wolfshades, I think admiration is great! We can admire something or someone and be inspired! Envy, on the other hand, lends itself to "woe is me" and even to anger or a sense of entitlement.
I think of YOU, my friend, and how beautiful you are. Looking at you, one would never have a clue that you've had MAJOR heart surgery, that you have suffered as you have. It would be easy to assume that you're just another beautiful woman with a handsome husband and a gorgeous house that has EVERYTHING *eyes turning green with ENVY* but you're much more than what's immediately apparent on the SURFACE.
I don't envy you, Annette, but I do admire you. I admire your beauty and kindness and strength. You inspire me to be better. Envy would never do that. :0)
Amen Kate...
Obviously the thing I am thankful for the most this year is my wife and family. I miss my mom though. It'll be the first Christmas without her.
John G.
I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom, John. My mom has been gone for years but I miss her acutely still. I imagine I always will.
My father died about a week before Christmas several years ago, so I am acutely aware every year of how fleeting life is and how I need to not take the people I love for granted.
Like you, I am most grateful for my family: my wonderful husband and children.
I hope your Christmas is truly blessed, my friend.
Hey sweets, Its Leah just commending you on a nice blog. I don't get here much but this subject has been in my thoughts lately too. You always have the ability to make me think and reflect. happy Christmas. :-)
Thank you, Leah. It's nice to see you here. :0)
Merry Christmas, my friend.
you are so right, Kate...you never know what is really going on behind the public facade. It's one of the biggest weaknesses of the church...everyone acting like they have it all together, when in reality most of the congregation is messed up and in need of love and grace more than we know or they let on. Our running group has welcomed in a new runner from Alabama. You wouldn't know it from just watching from a distance, but she is here in Memphis because her 6 month old daughter has leukemia. Just yesterday, her 4 year old daughter donated bone marrow to the younger daughter, in hopes that this procedure will bring positive results in the fight against leukemia. You just never know what people are going through, do you?
Kate, I'm thakful, most of all, for friends and family. All the other stuff can go away, doesn't really matter. I'm thankful for you! You've been a blessing.
Jay, Thank you for sharing that story. It illustrates the point beautifully and sheds a different light on the ways we fail to perceive other people correctly.
A week or two ago I encountered a stranger who was just awful to me in a public place. I would normally have shrugged it off with a smile but because of the situation with our son being in the hospital, I actually got teary over it and didn't hide my response quickly enough. She barked, "What's wrong with you?!" I said, "My son's in the hospital with brain trauma and I'm just barely holding on. Your unkindness was just..." and I shrugged. She was clearly mortified.
We're all busy and sometimes we forget to pay attention to the people around us, to pause and show kindness, to really LISTEN and love. We can so easily assume that someone else is better off or "lucky" or whatever and we may be completely off the mark.
I love your heart, Jay. I truly do. Thank you for being my friend.
Merry Christmas! Katy
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