It has taken me a long time to learn to be grateful for the challenges and hardships I've experienced in my life, especially when I think of my ex-husband. I want to be bitter but I won't let myself be that anymore. I mean, I've already wasted too much time feeling bitter and sorry for myself and it's done nothing but hurt me. I learned a lot through the pain of my marriage and divorce and I think I really am better for having been through it. That doesn't mean I enjoyed it or would volunteer to do it again, but I can at least be grateful that I learned from the experience.

Amy

Amy,

Thanks so much for reading and letting me know you were here!

Like you, I have never ENJOYED the hard things in my life. While they were happening, I wanted nothing more than to escape them, which is only NATURAL, yes? We are wired to avoid pain physically and emotionally! It's a basic survival mechanism. That being said, pain will come and when it's gone -- or has faded a bit -- we can learn and grow from it and allow it to make us better if we're willing to let go of anger and bitterness and our ILLUSIONS that had things been different, the outcome would have been better! We can't ever KNOW that! Perhaps had things gone as we dreamed them or wished them, we might have ended up in a hot mess!

I don't wish for hard things but I know hard things will come. I pray for the grace to endure them well and to recognize the lessons as they come - or at least in retrospect. *smiles*

I'm glad you're able to see the good that came through the pain of your marriage. So many people never get there and they needlessly suffer FOREVER.

OK all I can do is repeat what I was told many many times "If not for the rain we would never get to see the rainbow" I have no clue who said it but I have come to see it as truth in it's purest form.

I am also grateful for the comment glitch because it allowed me to come back and read Amy's comment. I identify with everything she said very closely. It was nice to hear someone else say "I want to be bitter" because at times I feel that way.

♥

We only learn through our mistakes...if we got all our wishes to come true, life would be boring...yes hardship is painful, but we grow through it, like crops grow through shit...and yes Spiritual people say shit. I rarely swear, but sometimes it's needed to get your point across...incredible write my new friend!

Chickee, I think there are times when we ALL want to hold on to our bitterness, but we shouldn't LIVE THERE. I try to be careful about what I give air time to in my head. If I dwell on negative feelings, then it effects me, well, NEGATIVELY! When I can get past that urge to marinade in bitterness and focus on the positives, that's when I begin to see light in the midst of darkness.

You know me, I'm no Pollyanna. I'm simply speaking the truth that the rotting compost in my garden bed, laced with a healthy dose of MANURE, makes fertile ground for beautiful flowers and fresh vegetables to grow. It's the same with our lives -- the ugly, stinking, rotting messes often build the most grace and beauty in us. It's not that we court them or desire them, simply that we acknowledge the potential of them - to be able to say in the midst of a hard thing that something good may yet come! There's hope in that.

And, truly, most of what is brightest and most beautiful in my own life was born in pain and in the "mistakes" I made. There was a time when people I loved referred to my son as a "mistake" and I was ASHAMED of myself. I wish I could go back and relive those moments because there was no cause for shame there. That child is the most beautiful thing to come from my life, period. See? :) I know you do.

xoxo

Thom! It's great to see you here, new friend. Thank you so much for coming.

I actually don't cuss much either. You captured my intent perfectly! *grins*

And you brought up another excellent point: life would indeed be boring without the various challenges we face. Aren't our favorite books and movies made up of equal parts joy and sorrow? It's the triumph over hardship and the growing THROUGH it, that captivates us!

I have no idea why the comments disappeared on this blog tonight. It's terribly frustrating! To those of you who took the time to leave a comment, I want you to know that I answered them and my answers disappeared too! It may have had something to do with my making layout changes tonight, refining the blog. Please don't let it discourage you from commenting again!

♥ Kate

When I first started reading this I felt as though I was looking in a mirror by the time I got to the end I knew it...thanks for the reminder that it's ok not to be perfect and that it's the shit that makes us who we are...also thanks for the reminder that it's our perspective and how we deal with our "shit" that makes the difference in who we become! Hugs...love the write very much!

Good to see this side of you again. Makes me smile and dream.

C5

"I thank God that my wishes remain only wishes because I would seek to avoid hard things, but the hard things have made me better."

Kate... I am so glad you are back blogging in the wonderful "Just Kate" sytle. I can't tell you how the sentence above really impacted me. I have been through many trials in my life. I am thankful for them for they made me stronger today. I know that at times, I don't understand the "why me" end of it, but I know that someday it will all make sense. My motto is always been "Come What May". I know I can handle anything because of my trials.
~Carla

We come into this life, for whatever reason, in a certain place and time, with a certain set of circumstances, if they are difficult we can succumb or we can choose to find what is positive, we can live in the light and we can evolve and ascend. To a large extent, in the grand scheme of things relative to our overall life, I also believe that we reap what we sow.

You know I've said and I'll say it again, no matter how horrible, no matter how guilty I feel at times, no matter how worthless I've felt and how much I hurt from the smack of someone who said they loved me, Or the most insidious destroyer of all... the sexual abuse I wouldn't change a thing. it has made me like you my sweet Kate Empathetic to all suffering.Someone likened me to the sister in "the Secret Life of bees" movie.. the one who feels all the pain and put a piece of paper in the wall of tears everytime she feels pain. I do carry it all and carry it with pride, maybe my badge of honor that I survived. WE did survive in spite of the ones who tried so hard to destroy them...fuck em... love you ~ileene

I love those "mirror" moments. Thank you so much for reading and letting me know you were here!

C5 - I love to think of you smiling and dreaming. :)

Carla,

It's natural to say "why me?" When I look back to my childhood, I often wonder why my brother was the favored child despite his penchant for cruelty and his selfishness, while I was kind and cared for my mother and was despised by my father. It's hard to comprehend. However, I eventually reached a place inside where I realized that the favoritism he experienced did not serve him well. He is a hard man, lacking in conscience and compassion, a man who pretends spirituality but it's an empty thing. He lives to be the best, seeking to never lose the place he was given in childhood. No matter how good he looks on the OUTSIDE, thinking of what's on the INSIDE of him makes me terribly sad. And what did the hardship I experienced, the lack of favor, produce in me? It's not all good, I won't pretend that, but there is MUCH GOOD: empathy, kindness, compassion, spirituality. How can I not be grateful for those things? I would not trade places with my brother for anything in the world.

I eventually had to surrender to the truth that I couldn't change what was happening to me or what HAD happened to me; I could only change how I responded to it and chose to view it.

Anyway, hang in, my friend, you have a lovely spirit!

Duncan,

You said, "...we can live in the light and we can evolve and ascend." I love that. Our response to the circumstances we're given is up to us! We can become mired down in pain and bitterness or we can stretch and grow and allow ourselves to be made better.

As for reaping what we sow, I'm not so sure. Time and time again I see the cheater prosper and the liar believed in. When we look for things to be "fair" in this life, we can set ourselves up for a huge amount of bitterness. That being said, I do believe that what goes around EVENTUALLY comes around in the scope of eternity.

Writing that last paragraph, I was reminded of the story of Jesus. According to bible stories, Jesus was full of love and light and he was tortured to death while an evil man was pardoned. It would seem the ultimate injustice and yet his pain became a beautiful thing and in the scope of eternity, he triumphed. :) So, yes, I agree that we reap what we sow, EVENTUALLY.

Ileene,

When I read your life story, I had to constantly remind myself of who you are today - of the beauty that all that pain wrought in you. I see clearly that your empathy was born in suffering. I am always drawn to people who have suffered because there is a depth of compassion there that is rarely found in people who have not. While I find it painful to say that I am grateful for any of what you went through (it makes me cry), I am grateful for YOU. I have no idea who you might have been had you been spared those hard things, but I am sure you would not be the woman I know today who I love and admire hugely.

I love this visual you have given me of the pile of manure... I can either allow it to reamin rotting and stinking, getting larger or I can dig in, mixing it with the beautiful seeds in my life and turn it all in a beautiful garden. Everyone knows there is a bunch of "poop" mixed in there but the garden itself is lovely none-the-less for it, in fact my garden prospers because of it. ♥

AND I have learned in my time in this life, through one of those shitty moments, that no child, NO CHILD should ever be thought of as a mistake. Each one no matter the circumstance of his or her conception was meant to be here.

Chickee,

You said, "Everyone knows there is a bunch of 'poop' mixed in there but the garden itself is lovely none-the-less...(and) prospers because of it."

YES! Wonderfully well said, my friend.

It makes me a little bit sick to think that I EVER allowed myself to be guilted into thinking of my pregnancy as a "mistake." It's only one of the reasons why I've turned my back on religion. My God rejoiced in the creation of that child. I hear you loud and clear when you say that each one of us was meant to be here. Yes.

Hi Kate....This is great. I can so relate to what you have written. There are some things that I wish I had not had to go through, but I know they have, and will shape me into the person I am meant to be (if I am a willing partner to the learning process :) That is my problem sometimes....allowing myself to grow and learn from experiences. You are a wonderful and special friend and I love your outlook on life. Hugs to you, Annette

Hi Kate....This is great. I can so relate to what you have written. There are some things that I wish I had not had to go through, but I know they have, and will shape me into the person I am meant to be (if I am a willing partner to the learning process :) That is my problem sometimes....allowing myself to grow and learn from experiences. You are a wonderful and special friend and I love your outlook on life. Hugs to you, Annette

Annette,

I love that you said we need to be a willing part of the learning process! You're absolutely right, my friend. That's part of what I'm talking about when I say that we need to live with INTENTION! If we just drift along, letting life happen to us, we're not going learn and grow!

Thank you for the thoughtful commment, my friend!

As much as we dislike pain and conflict, they are instrumental in growing us into beautiful souls. Wouldn't we be shallow if life always went our way. I'm reminded of a quote by CS Lewis: “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”.
In the midst of our failings, our mistakes, and our disasters, I loved what you said, Kate..."So, I wish to accept myself, and others, as we are, in the midst of our imperfections, mistakes, and messes. I wish to live a life characterized by love and compassion". Wow, how that sentence resonates with my soul. I love that you live out your life with such grace, my friend.

Jay,

The C.S. Lewis quote is just perfect and it's so very true. Fire purifies gold. Diamonds are formed under pressure. Babies are birthed in pain. Likewise, we are made stronger by the challenges we face. When we're robbed of adversity, we're robbed of opportunity. We don't seek hardship for the sake of growth but seasons of hardship will eventually come and it's in those seasons that we learn the most, if we're WILLING.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not ASKING for hard things. *wry smile* I've already had a fair share. It's just that I don't want to waste my sorrow or pain. I know you feel me in this, Jay. I look at what I know of your life and I'm blown away by your joyful, positive spirit! You epitomize what I'm talking about here and you inspire me.

You know I wrote a blog about "s.h.i.t." over @MS while back. It was associated with shipping manure. Shit stands for "ship high in transport." Go figure huh? Love ya Boo!