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He lowers his mouth to hers as their lips connect, and he breathes slowly out, while she breathes slowly in; the smoke burns as it travels down her throat and fills her lungs. She closes her lips, leans her forehead against his as her body goes sleepy-slow. Languid.
She feels another hand close round her chin, turning her. New lips meet hers. She breathes out, and he breathes in.
Crawling across the bed, over a tangle of limbs, she lands in Seth's lap. He opens his arms to her, welcomes her as she settles in against him.
And the room is dark and smoke filled; the music so loud she feels it running through her veins. It's Prince screaming Darling Nikki, and the words sound like sin, but she lets them in.
The smoke makes it easy. It doesn't obscure reason, it just pats it down, tucks it away, sets her inside of her skin and out of her head in the most delicious way, so that the hands that burn against her skin melt right into her and she is nothing but touch and rhythm.
And the room is full. A sea of bodies in a smokey haze. She doesn't care. The music thrums inside of her. She is the music. A naked song. Her tan skin with startling bits of white against his dark skin. Her softness against the rock hardness of him. She feels like art, like living poetry, like music born in skin.
When he presses up inside of her she gasps. A moment of wicked clarity. What am I doing? And then the music and the smoke and his warm hands wash over her and she's lost again in rhythm.
She wakes up cold, naked, unsure of where she is, a sick feeling in her stomach, a hazy memory taking shape inside her head. She feels movement, a warm hand on her back. She turns. Seth. She freezes mid-smile when she sees Audrey behind him. Fully awake she sits up. A sea of bodies in a cold room that smells of old smoke.
She can't find her clothes so she grabs a sheet and wraps it around her. She hears Seth, Baby... Audrey laughs, come back... But she's flying out the door, back down the hall to her dorm room where she pounds, waits for her roommate to open the door for her.
She stumbles past, straight into the shower where she sinks to the floor, hot water spilling over cold skin, and she prays.
Somehow she makes it to church. She hides behind her hair. Sits in the back. Searching for God, she listens to every word, sings and takes the words inside of her, wanting to feel them in her blood. She wants God to wash over her, to make her clean. She wants him to love her as she is, lost and broken and scared.
At the end of the service, the Pastor comes and gives her an awkward Christian hug, the sideways kind that has no warmth in it. Can I pray for you? She nods and bows her head.
He prays. Dear Heavenly Father...blah blah blah... In Jesus Name. Amen. She doesn't say amen. She raises her eyes to meet his and he says, just give it to Jesus, whatever it is.
But she doesn't know what it is. She certainly doesn't know how to pluck it out of herself or how to hand it over to Jesus. The words are as empty as the sanctuary in which she stands, the last person in the building.
It wont be long before she runs away from the life she's fallen into. She'll run far and fast and wrap herself in Christian words. And she'll believe, believe, believe, with all her heart and soul and mind and spirit, because it's all she has. The only home she knows. Her only chance for redemption.
And she will do some good.
But over the years, the words will ring hollow until they are nothing more than lonely echoes inside of her head. And the sideways hugs will become a thing she can no longer endure.
The past is so far in the past, it almost never was, but occasionally she remembers and does so without the gnawing fear of hell. And the church feels like a wish.
And God feels like love. Like a face-front hug. She no longer knows his name, but she still feels him.
©Just Kate, 2009
Post Script: For those who know me, remember that I'm a writer. This story is FICTION and designed to address what I see as a failing of "the church."
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Fortunately, God does not dwell inside any building. Fellowship is wonderful and even necessary, I think, but it doesn't need to be found in the context of organized religion. Heck, Christianity was a FAITH during Jesus' lifetime. It only became a RELIGION later.
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts. It means a lot to me, knowing that I've written a piece of myself, my truth, that has impacted someone else. It's no fun talking to an empty room. :)
The sideways hugs are for our protection and the protection of others. We want to avoid being inappropriate.
Finally, while this is beautifully written, I was putt off by the opening content. I think you may offend people with that, Katy. Can't you find another way to make your point without painting a word picture of sex and drugs?
How sad is it that we cannot give face-front hugs for fear of being inappropriate? People desperately need to be touched, it's a healing thing. I'm not going to let "fear" stop me from giving a hug that's warm and true rather than a sideways facsimile.
*smiles* I wondered how long it would be before someone would speak up about the "sex and drugs." It's out there, all around us, whether or not we have eyes to see it. I'm not going to whitewash the truth. Would the story have been more acceptable had I written about a homeless person who'd wandered in? I'm guessing the answer is YES. If so, WHY?
My intent was to show the loneliness that can exist inside a church, that people wander in and out without ever feeling warmth and love. And we need to be able to HEAR the truth of people's lives, even if it makes us uncomfortable. Sure, I could have found another way to make my point "without painting a word picture of sex and drugs" but that's what came as I sat down to write. It feels honest and right and I won't apologize for it.
Thank you so much for reading and for the thoughtful, honest comment.
I wouldn't be much of a writer if it didn't feel real, but 100%? Wow, that's quite a compliment! ;D
That was a little bit evil, wasn't it? It's obviously a j/k but if you think people might not get it don't worry about approving the comment. There's always some person in the crowd that thinks everything you write is autobiographical, I remember that from ms.
I love reading you and I'm glad to see Just Kate again. I missed her/you.
Cx2
I miss ms as a forum. Blogging was a lot more fun when I had hundreds of comments as opposed to the handful that I get here. It remains to be seen whether or not I'll get used to talking in what feels like an empty room. We shall see.
Now go BEHAVE! xo
Cx2
I've thought about letting go of the whole blog thing altogether but I'm trying to curb my impulsiveness and be PATIENT. Shut up. I know patience is not my strongest suit. Whatevah. ;)
This forum is not as fun because the comments aren't threaded. I tried a widget designed to thread them but it's glitchy so I'm not using it.
ANYWAY... Why aren't you writing, eh? Get on facebook and at least post a note, would you. I miss you.
I do miss ms, as I was just saying to Cx2 in a previous comment, but I hated all of the social drama there. I understand that it's changed a lot. That being said, someone recently referred to ms as being like a blog graveyard.
Part of the reason I left is because it was SO time consuming. I have a hard time doing things part way. I could SAY that I was just creating a page to comment here and there but I can see myself getting sucked back into it. I was a bit of a blog-addict there for awhile and detox was hell! I'm only half kidding about that.
SO, we shall see.
Anyway... I just got called "barefoot girl" and "Boo," one right after the other. I love it. You're da bomb, Bushy-baby!
I remember this, or one very much like it. The 'falling from grace,' and the empty words and especially the sideways hugs... It's as powerful now as it was then.
xoxo
Colleen B.
Are you still on ms? If so, do you still blog there? I'm not sure I'd even like it anymore. I have such great memories of my time there, I think I would be hard to go back and find it so very changed.
This is a re-write of something I posted on ms, yes. I toned it down somewhat because I was writing incognito there and didn't feel the need to edit myself as much as I do here. I'm still feeling my way when it comes to being known as a writer and a real person rather than a persona.
I know that you feel me, Tim; we have had more than a few conversations about our experiences in the church, our disillusions, our having found a different path that is still God-focused by not "religious." I miss those conversations, btw. Thanks for commenting here, so we can have a blogversation! =D
Since the beginning of August, I've only posted five blogs, and two of those weren't my writing. So, I still have a MS page, and I check it every few days or so, but... (shrugs). I find it difficult to write when there isn't someone to read.
Remember this write from before, tonight it hits even harder than the first time. Stay stong and look ahead more than behind.
The girl in the blog isn't me. I know you know that. That being said, she was born in my heart and I understand her. I think that's the best way to say it.
My struggle is fairly well resolved when it comes to "the church." I only look back to help me remember where I'm going. I want to be someone who gives face front hugs. I want to be someone who LISTENS and sees past a person's struggles to the heart that beats inside of them. I never want to dismiss someone's pain by saying something like, "Just give it to Jesus."
I think you get me, my friend. Thanks so much for the huge smile you put on my face when I saw that you'd commented. More than that, thank you for your wisdom.
My feeling about what you've written here; It touches me deeply. I feel the pain, want and need in her. To feel "clean", to feel loved and to be "good". To be accepted completely for who she is without guilt, to be accepted while being a "flawed" human.
*sigh* Now about that comment... I don't see how anyone could mistake a true and caring hug as inappropriate. It's not as if you'd be groping and grabbing, just caring and hugging for goodness sake.
As for the opening being offensive, it would have been so easy for Kate to write about a dirty smelly misunderstood homeless person. But we all know we are "supposed" to forgive someone in that situation.
Painting a picture of a girl completely lost and searching for love and acceptance, acting in a way that is so taboo, forces us to look at how we judge people and do not accept them for who they are inside.
I have been the recipient of the "blah blah blah" prayers. They suck. I have also been the recipient of truthfully heart felt words consisting of little more than "I am here to listen and I care" those words were a prayer sent to me from God through another flawed human being.
Ok Katy I will jump down off my soap box now.
Much love,
Chickee ♥
As always, I love your perspective. You represent the kind of Christianity that seems both ancient and new to me, a faith built on love and forgiveness. So many people have told me that love and forgiveness often equate with a "watering down of the gospel" but I'll never believe that, not ever. Is 1 Corinthians 13 not clear? "If I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."
The church is full of talk about surrendering to God's will. I say the greatest surrender is LOVE. It's not easy to love the people we feel compelled to judge.
When I originally wrote this piece, my heart ached for that girl, a girl with a heart that beats so close to mine. It would have been beautiful had she been both SEEN and loved. But the pastor in the story didn't want to see her and because of that the comfort he offered was nil.
I have experienced much love in the church. Because the church is comprised of PEOPLE it will never be perfect, but surely we can do a better job of loving.
As always, Jay, you give me hope. I love the Jesus I see in you.
♥
You, my friend, are beautiful. You're so very right when you say that we are SUPPOSE to love dirty, smelly, homeless people. We are SUPPOSE to take pity on them, show mercy and grace.
You said, "Painting a picture of a girl completely lost and searching for love and acceptance, acting in a way that is so taboo, forces us to look at how we judge people and do not accept them for who they are inside."
YES! That's exactly right. I never intended to repulse people with what I wrote. Jay said that it was beautiful, seductive, and conflicted. THAT is what I felt, writing it, and yet there are those who will not see that, they will see only the portrayal of someone who's sins are as you said, TABOO. Surely the girl in the story will think of her sins that way. So how can she accept a love that is offered without knowing and acceptance? We all wish to be seen for who we are. We wish it and we fear it. There is great risk in being SEEN. If one is seen and accepted, it is a beautiful healing thing. If one is seen and rejected, it's devastating. So we hide who we really are inside in order to feel accepted and loved.
Never is the truth of that more obvious than inside the church where people are rarely ever free to be seen as they are, to be KNOWN.
Like you, I find God more often than not in the warm hearts and hands of people who are simply loving, loving simply. St. Francis of Assisi said, "Preach Christ at all times, if necessary, use words." I love the heart in that. He's exhorting us to LOVE first. Without evidence of love our words are meaningless.
I heart you hugely, Chris. You have so much insight, strength, and wisdom.
Anyway, thank you for being a familiar face that I trust, not a stranger but a friend who gets me.
xoxo
Sometimes I think you see parts of me that are hidden even to me. I do not feel strong, insightful or wise. But I turst you and our friendship enough to know that if you see them they must be there. Thanks. ♥
I dislike the schema of what is termed the modern Christian life. Dislike it intensely. It's not real. It's a damned good "pretend" though. This monstrous construct of acceptable words and behaviour has its own life, it's own reason for being. Plus, it feeds itself and it poops regularly too. Truthfully, like the obese man or woman who eats to feel safe, this construct also provides a safety of sorts to those who've been damaged along the way. Small wonder that those damaged people who've found acceptance there are loathe to criticize the monster, and will do their upmost to defend it.
And really, how much energy does one want to spend in pointing out the fallacies inherent in the beast? Not much - not when it's the only thing some can hold on to.
Unquestionable church dogma is very much like the biggest soother in the world, being chomped on heavily by those who've just taken a spiritual Ecstasy pill. Don't fuck with it whatever you do.
And in other news: great blog as usual Katy. :)
You said, "Unquestionable church dogma is very much like the biggest soother in the world, being chomped on heavily by those who've just taken a spiritual Ecstasy pill. Don't (mess) with it whatever you do."
You boiled it down quite nicely with that. I've been especially cognizant of the opiate effect of the church lately as I encounter people who are dealing with grief and various forms of hardship. It's so easy to cling to dogma, it makes the world less scary. It provides formula and structure and a sense of control and it quiets fear, gives hope.
It seems to me that people are afraid to challenge what they've been taught by the church because they crave the feeling of security they find in dogma, like a child clutching at a baby blanket.
Reading your comment, I felt a reflexive intake of breath at your intentionally provocative choice of words. It's partly due to the fact that I'm not much of a cusser and partly because you chose a "BAD" word. I quickly moved past it to focus on the heart of what you're saying. That being said, I realize that many people will hit that nicely placed f-word and stop hearing you altogether because it sets you outside of the realm of what's acceptable coming from a Christian. *wry smile* Yet I know you to be a man of God, much more so than many people I know and have known who would never utter such a word. *gasp* It's interesting how we judge people as Christians. The criteria are all messed up!
The objection I received to my choice to incorporate "sex and drugs" into my story bothers me only in that I think it portrays a willful ignorance of what's REAL. If we can't acknowledge a STORY about such things then how can we deal with the REALITY of them, and do so with a loving heart towards those who are caught up in that lifestyle and reaching out to the church, looking for love and understanding?
Another favorite bit from your post, "...It's not real. It's a damned good "pretend" though. This monstrous construct of acceptable words and behaviour has its own life, it's own reason for being.
It's so true. Sometimes I feel like I want to bash my head against a wall, I get so tired of running up against that "monstrous construct." A pastor friend once accused me of delighting in shocking people. I'm not sure that's true. What I wanted to do was CHALLENGE people, which is what you're doing here. I wonder who will have ears to hear it.
I always appreciate your feedback, my friend. Thank you for weighing in.
You are right about one thing. God feels like love, because God is Love, the ultimate love for which no one can have a more intimate relationship with you than Jesus. No one!
Relationships is what it is all about. I know you know your Bible, and you know how Jesus interacted with everyday people. I wish I was more like Him.
Just my two cents on the "religious blog"....LOL
John G.
My blog is meant to provoke thought, to ask those who define themselves as "the church" to THINK.
The funny thing is, the bulk of responses I've received from Christians have been via private e-mail and they have had a common theme: the church isn't perfect. Well, that's OBVIOUS and has nothing to do with the heart of what I'm saying, which is if God is love and love is our goal, then we should engage in some self-examination and seek to do a better job of loving.
My biggest problem with the church is that people become so complacent. They attend meetings, participate in potlucks and outreach, hang out with their Christian friends and speak their Christian words, but such a small number really open up their hearts and lives and engage in the act of loving the unlovely or those who engage in lifestyles that they find repugnant.
My exhortation is not that different from what can be found throughout history, beginning in the BEGINNING: LOVE ONE ANOTHER. It bears repeating.
I disagree with you when you say the best thing you can do is bear witness to what God has done for you. The only "witness" that matters is the witness of your love. THAT is how the world measures evidence of God in the church. I am so tired of hearing "testimonies." Time after time, year after year, I have listened to people tell what God has done to change their lives. I watch those people and I see that they are generally more white-washed than they were before, that they are often making different lifestyle choices, but I don't often see big HEART changes. I see conformity with the church but not transformed, loving hearts.
As a Christian missionary I often found myself incapable of following the formulaic rules of witnessing. I was actually CHASTISED for it in a School of Evangelism (SOE) that I attended. Instead of standing on street corners, I went into pubs. I got to know people on their own turf. I cared about them. I later married my fellow "rebel," my fellow evictee from SOE. I saw something in him that I didn't see in the rest of that class. I saw a desire to LOVE that wasn't steeped in tradition or bound by formula, that was willing to meet people right where they're at and love them there, that didn't covet approval of "the church" over Christ's exhortation to LOVE!
Okay, I think I need to write a blog on this. Remember, John, when I go off on a "rant" like this in response to a comment it's because the comment has PROVOKED THOUGHT and that's a good thing.
People know my past, sure, but the important thing is that they see my present.
I'm not going to identify myself but I wanted to tell you that you wrote what I lived. I used to love my religion but now I love God outside of my religion because it hurts too much to have to pretend and to not be able to tell the truth about what I'm going through. There were all these times that I needed a face front hug and only got a sideways one and I needed someone to say "how are you" and really mean it. Thank you for writing this, Kate. I hope that religious people will read it and realize how much people need face-front hugs and sincere caring not just empty platitudes.
Anonymous - I know that real loving happens in churches everywhere, that people are accepted for who they are right where they are, but I don't think it happens often enough. I think there's a lot of pressure to appear a certain way, so people keep their pain neatly tucked away and dare not share it for fear of being judged. And there are so many empty phrases that are thrown around in the church. I still want to scream when people say, "Just give it to Jesus." Okaaaay... I understand the concept but we don't come with on and off switches. We need to work through our struggles, not dismiss them.
Fortunately, God does not dwell inside any building. Fellowship is wonderful and even necessary, I think, but it doesn't need to be found in the context of organized religion. Heck, Christianity was a FAITH during Jesus' lifetime. It only became a RELIGION later.
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts. It means a lot to me, knowing that I've written a piece of myself, my truth, that has impacted someone else. It's no fun talking to an empty room. :)
What you have written here makes a powerful impression. I can see that we have failed many people in the church. Sundays are always busy times and people often miss visitors who slip in and leave quickly. We talk about that as church leaders. How do we reach those people?
The sideways hugs are for our protection and the protection of others. We want to avoid being inappropriate.
Finally, while this is beautifully written, I was putt off by the opening content. I think you may offend people with that, Katy. Can't you find another way to make your point without painting a word picture of sex and drugs?
I'm glad that you can see the truth in what I've written here. I saw it time and time again in church, people painting on smiles and pretending everything was okay when inside they were dying and afraid to say so. Church is meant to be a place where hurting people can come, not a gathering spot for shiny, whitewashed people. Jesus hung out with prostitutes and people who would be considered "counter culture" in our society. He was a rebel, a non-conformist.
How sad is it that we cannot give face-front hugs for fear of being inappropriate? People desperately need to be touched, it's a healing thing. I'm not going to let "fear" stop me from giving a hug that's warm and true rather than a sideways facsimile.
*smiles* I wondered how long it would be before someone would speak up about the "sex and drugs." It's out there, all around us, whether or not we have eyes to see it. I'm not going to whitewash the truth. Would the story have been more acceptable had I written about a homeless person who'd wandered in? I'm guessing the answer is YES. If so, WHY?
My intent was to show the loneliness that can exist inside a church, that people wander in and out without ever feeling warmth and love. And we need to be able to HEAR the truth of people's lives, even if it makes us uncomfortable. Sure, I could have found another way to make my point "without painting a word picture of sex and drugs" but that's what came as I sat down to write. It feels honest and right and I won't apologize for it.
Thank you so much for reading and for the thoughtful, honest comment.
Kate, You have a gift.
Thank you for the compliment and for letting me know you were here. :)
There is no way that's fiction! It felt 100% real.
*laughing*
I wouldn't be much of a writer if it didn't feel real, but 100%? Wow, that's quite a compliment! ;D
Hey Kate. I remember that night like it was yesterday.
That was a little bit evil, wasn't it? It's obviously a j/k but if you think people might not get it don't worry about approving the comment. There's always some person in the crowd that thinks everything you write is autobiographical, I remember that from ms.
I love reading you and I'm glad to see Just Kate again. I missed her/you.
Cx2
Cx2, Thanks for that, you beast! I need to find a flashing neon widget that says FICTION to post whenever I write something like this.
I miss ms as a forum. Blogging was a lot more fun when I had hundreds of comments as opposed to the handful that I get here. It remains to be seen whether or not I'll get used to talking in what feels like an empty room. We shall see.
Now go BEHAVE! xo
You could always come back, Kate. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that you are very missed on ms. I'm sure it is strange for you to be speaking in anything less than a crowded room. By the time I arrived at your blog on ms I was always on the millionth page out and tempted to blog dick. It seems like most ms bloggers that have moved on to other sites really don't get many comments at all. If you hadn't killed your ms page you could be directing people here from there, but you're always so impulsive. Regardless, this blog is days old, right? Give it some time, barefoot girl.
Cx2
Cx2 - You mean the whole blog page? Yeah, it's maybe a week or two old. I've been blogging on parenting special needs children on my Unequivocal Kate page but I wanted a place where I could stretch out a bit so I resurrected Just Kate. I KNOW it will take time but I miss the feedback, yo. That was the best part of blogging for me.
I've thought about letting go of the whole blog thing altogether but I'm trying to curb my impulsiveness and be PATIENT. Shut up. I know patience is not my strongest suit. Whatevah. ;)
This forum is not as fun because the comments aren't threaded. I tried a widget designed to thread them but it's glitchy so I'm not using it.
ANYWAY... Why aren't you writing, eh? Get on facebook and at least post a note, would you. I miss you.
Wow!!! I got in finally. Come back KatyBoo! I'll say it again Just Kate is better than great!!!
"BushinJi hee hee" Nice name, H. I'm totally cracking up over here.
I do miss ms, as I was just saying to Cx2 in a previous comment, but I hated all of the social drama there. I understand that it's changed a lot. That being said, someone recently referred to ms as being like a blog graveyard.
Part of the reason I left is because it was SO time consuming. I have a hard time doing things part way. I could SAY that I was just creating a page to comment here and there but I can see myself getting sucked back into it. I was a bit of a blog-addict there for awhile and detox was hell! I'm only half kidding about that.
SO, we shall see.
Anyway... I just got called "barefoot girl" and "Boo," one right after the other. I love it. You're da bomb, Bushy-baby!
Yeah...a blog graveyard. That's a good description.
I remember this, or one very much like it. The 'falling from grace,' and the empty words and especially the sideways hugs... It's as powerful now as it was then.
Yes I do remember this! IMHO this was one of your absolute best writes EVAH! It's real, it's vivid and this is the way life is. I'm glad you reposted it here. I don't see it as offensive whatsoever.... because it's the truth. Don't change it girlfriend! Love ya.
xoxo
Colleen B.
Tim!! Yay!
Are you still on ms? If so, do you still blog there? I'm not sure I'd even like it anymore. I have such great memories of my time there, I think I would be hard to go back and find it so very changed.
This is a re-write of something I posted on ms, yes. I toned it down somewhat because I was writing incognito there and didn't feel the need to edit myself as much as I do here. I'm still feeling my way when it comes to being known as a writer and a real person rather than a persona.
I know that you feel me, Tim; we have had more than a few conversations about our experiences in the church, our disillusions, our having found a different path that is still God-focused by not "religious." I miss those conversations, btw. Thanks for commenting here, so we can have a blogversation! =D
I miss those conversations too.
Since the beginning of August, I've only posted five blogs, and two of those weren't my writing. So, I still have a MS page, and I check it every few days or so, but... (shrugs). I find it difficult to write when there isn't someone to read.
Tim, I feel the same way about posting blogs, why do it if they're not going to be read? That's my biggest frustration when it comes to blogging here. Have you given any thought to posting notes on facebook? If you do, please tag me so I won't miss them!
Sometimes when you run from yourself you run into yourself. The past is always a part of who you are, yet is nothing close to all you are.
Remember this write from before, tonight it hits even harder than the first time. Stay stong and look ahead more than behind.
Blogo - "Sometimes when you run from yourself you run into yourself. The past is always a part of who you are, yet it is nothing close to all you are." I had to repeat that because it's absolutely BRILLIANT, so insightful and TRUE. I've been grappling with that thought a lot lately as I reconnect with extended family and people I knew in high school, something I never thought I would do. It's a bit frightening but your perspective sheds beautiful light on it. THANK YOU!!!
The girl in the blog isn't me. I know you know that. That being said, she was born in my heart and I understand her. I think that's the best way to say it.
My struggle is fairly well resolved when it comes to "the church." I only look back to help me remember where I'm going. I want to be someone who gives face front hugs. I want to be someone who LISTENS and sees past a person's struggles to the heart that beats inside of them. I never want to dismiss someone's pain by saying something like, "Just give it to Jesus."
I think you get me, my friend. Thanks so much for the huge smile you put on my face when I saw that you'd commented. More than that, thank you for your wisdom.
Hey Kate! I remember the first time you posted this...still a powerful post. You start this blog off with imagery that is hauntingly beautiful, seductive, and conflicted. Then phase two takes us into the church, where she seeks love and grace only to encounter a sideways hug. It's sad that the church has become synonymous with judgementalism, instead of acceptance. Jesus loved, loved, loved...regardless, regardless, regardless. We should do the same. I like this line from a Stonehill song: "If only He was all the world could see, they would clamor at our door, find the life they hunger for".
I am struggling for words here. I want to comment more about one of your comments than the actual blog itself. But first I will address the actual blog.
My feeling about what you've written here; It touches me deeply. I feel the pain, want and need in her. To feel "clean", to feel loved and to be "good". To be accepted completely for who she is without guilt, to be accepted while being a "flawed" human.
*sigh* Now about that comment... I don't see how anyone could mistake a true and caring hug as inappropriate. It's not as if you'd be groping and grabbing, just caring and hugging for goodness sake.
As for the opening being offensive, it would have been so easy for Kate to write about a dirty smelly misunderstood homeless person. But we all know we are "supposed" to forgive someone in that situation.
Painting a picture of a girl completely lost and searching for love and acceptance, acting in a way that is so taboo, forces us to look at how we judge people and do not accept them for who they are inside.
I have been the recipient of the "blah blah blah" prayers. They suck. I have also been the recipient of truthfully heart felt words consisting of little more than "I am here to listen and I care" those words were a prayer sent to me from God through another flawed human being.
Ok Katy I will jump down off my soap box now.
Much love,
Chickee ♥
Jay,
As always, I love your perspective. You represent the kind of Christianity that seems both ancient and new to me, a faith built on love and forgiveness. So many people have told me that love and forgiveness often equate with a "watering down of the gospel" but I'll never believe that, not ever. Is 1 Corinthians 13 not clear? "If I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."
The church is full of talk about surrendering to God's will. I say the greatest surrender is LOVE. It's not easy to love the people we feel compelled to judge.
When I originally wrote this piece, my heart ached for that girl, a girl with a heart that beats so close to mine. It would have been beautiful had she been both SEEN and loved. But the pastor in the story didn't want to see her and because of that the comfort he offered was nil.
I have experienced much love in the church. Because the church is comprised of PEOPLE it will never be perfect, but surely we can do a better job of loving.
As always, Jay, you give me hope. I love the Jesus I see in you.
♥
Chickee,
You, my friend, are beautiful. You're so very right when you say that we are SUPPOSE to love dirty, smelly, homeless people. We are SUPPOSE to take pity on them, show mercy and grace.
You said, "Painting a picture of a girl completely lost and searching for love and acceptance, acting in a way that is so taboo, forces us to look at how we judge people and do not accept them for who they are inside."
YES! That's exactly right. I never intended to repulse people with what I wrote. Jay said that it was beautiful, seductive, and conflicted. THAT is what I felt, writing it, and yet there are those who will not see that, they will see only the portrayal of someone who's sins are as you said, TABOO. Surely the girl in the story will think of her sins that way. So how can she accept a love that is offered without knowing and acceptance? We all wish to be seen for who we are. We wish it and we fear it. There is great risk in being SEEN. If one is seen and accepted, it is a beautiful healing thing. If one is seen and rejected, it's devastating. So we hide who we really are inside in order to feel accepted and loved.
Never is the truth of that more obvious than inside the church where people are rarely ever free to be seen as they are, to be KNOWN.
Like you, I find God more often than not in the warm hearts and hands of people who are simply loving, loving simply. St. Francis of Assisi said, "Preach Christ at all times, if necessary, use words." I love the heart in that. He's exhorting us to LOVE first. Without evidence of love our words are meaningless.
I heart you hugely, Chris. You have so much insight, strength, and wisdom.
Colleen, I don't know how I missed your comment! Thank you so much for reading and commenting, my friend. It means a lot to me. :) Posting pieces like this where they'll be read by people who know me is something that will take a bit of getting used to. It's so much easier to write for strangers.
Anyway, thank you for being a familiar face that I trust, not a stranger but a friend who gets me.
xoxo
Kate,
Sometimes I think you see parts of me that are hidden even to me. I do not feel strong, insightful or wise. But I turst you and our friendship enough to know that if you see them they must be there. Thanks. ♥
Chris, You absolutely possess those qualities, my friend. Remember what you said about the coolest people being those who don't know they're cool? Well, there you go! xo
The dichotomy of Real Life versus the Dogmatic awkward life is vividly painted here. How to marry the two when the two don't even like the sight of each other? *laughing* Even the most boisterous of males will "hide behind his hair" when entering the bastions of prescribed thought, careful not to offend and careful to walk the straight line of acceptable verbiage. I noticed your choice of the early venue even gave offense. Not surprising. Does Jesus care that we truly like to fuck, on occasion? (Global "we" of course) It offends some when you mention that our God created the act of fucking (and that's a deliberate choice of words on my part, not to offend but to hopefully illuminate).
I dislike the schema of what is termed the modern Christian life. Dislike it intensely. It's not real. It's a damned good "pretend" though. This monstrous construct of acceptable words and behaviour has its own life, it's own reason for being. Plus, it feeds itself and it poops regularly too. Truthfully, like the obese man or woman who eats to feel safe, this construct also provides a safety of sorts to those who've been damaged along the way. Small wonder that those damaged people who've found acceptance there are loathe to criticize the monster, and will do their upmost to defend it.
And really, how much energy does one want to spend in pointing out the fallacies inherent in the beast? Not much - not when it's the only thing some can hold on to.
Unquestionable church dogma is very much like the biggest soother in the world, being chomped on heavily by those who've just taken a spiritual Ecstasy pill. Don't fuck with it whatever you do.
And in other news: great blog as usual Katy. :)
Wolfshades,
You said, "Unquestionable church dogma is very much like the biggest soother in the world, being chomped on heavily by those who've just taken a spiritual Ecstasy pill. Don't (mess) with it whatever you do."
You boiled it down quite nicely with that. I've been especially cognizant of the opiate effect of the church lately as I encounter people who are dealing with grief and various forms of hardship. It's so easy to cling to dogma, it makes the world less scary. It provides formula and structure and a sense of control and it quiets fear, gives hope.
It seems to me that people are afraid to challenge what they've been taught by the church because they crave the feeling of security they find in dogma, like a child clutching at a baby blanket.
Reading your comment, I felt a reflexive intake of breath at your intentionally provocative choice of words. It's partly due to the fact that I'm not much of a cusser and partly because you chose a "BAD" word. I quickly moved past it to focus on the heart of what you're saying. That being said, I realize that many people will hit that nicely placed f-word and stop hearing you altogether because it sets you outside of the realm of what's acceptable coming from a Christian. *wry smile* Yet I know you to be a man of God, much more so than many people I know and have known who would never utter such a word. *gasp* It's interesting how we judge people as Christians. The criteria are all messed up!
The objection I received to my choice to incorporate "sex and drugs" into my story bothers me only in that I think it portrays a willful ignorance of what's REAL. If we can't acknowledge a STORY about such things then how can we deal with the REALITY of them, and do so with a loving heart towards those who are caught up in that lifestyle and reaching out to the church, looking for love and understanding?
Another favorite bit from your post, "...It's not real. It's a damned good "pretend" though. This monstrous construct of acceptable words and behaviour has its own life, it's own reason for being.
It's so true. Sometimes I feel like I want to bash my head against a wall, I get so tired of running up against that "monstrous construct." A pastor friend once accused me of delighting in shocking people. I'm not sure that's true. What I wanted to do was CHALLENGE people, which is what you're doing here. I wonder who will have ears to hear it.
I always appreciate your feedback, my friend. Thank you for weighing in.
Kate, you know me and I have to ask, how you define a failing of the "church"? The "church" is simply made of humans with all of our failings and sin. As one who "works for the church", I fail every day. I am selfish, and I don't always see others hurts, but I do the best I can to bear witness to what God has done for me. that's really all I can do. I have come to realize that I cannot save anyone. Only Jesus can do that. I do my best to be a match-maker for people; to introduce them to what Jesus has for their lives, but I fail more than I succeed. Maybe it's because I don't get out of the way, and most times I think that it is my "job" to save people. I give myself way to much credit. After all, I did not empty myself and become human to die for the sins of everyone.
You are right about one thing. God feels like love, because God is Love, the ultimate love for which no one can have a more intimate relationship with you than Jesus. No one!
Relationships is what it is all about. I know you know your Bible, and you know how Jesus interacted with everyday people. I wish I was more like Him.
Just my two cents on the "religious blog"....LOL
John G.
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Since the church is comprised of people, I define a failing of the church as a failing of PEOPLE.
My blog is meant to provoke thought, to ask those who define themselves as "the church" to THINK.
The funny thing is, the bulk of responses I've received from Christians have been via private e-mail and they have had a common theme: the church isn't perfect. Well, that's OBVIOUS and has nothing to do with the heart of what I'm saying, which is if God is love and love is our goal, then we should engage in some self-examination and seek to do a better job of loving.
My biggest problem with the church is that people become so complacent. They attend meetings, participate in potlucks and outreach, hang out with their Christian friends and speak their Christian words, but such a small number really open up their hearts and lives and engage in the act of loving the unlovely or those who engage in lifestyles that they find repugnant.
My exhortation is not that different from what can be found throughout history, beginning in the BEGINNING: LOVE ONE ANOTHER. It bears repeating.
I disagree with you when you say the best thing you can do is bear witness to what God has done for you. The only "witness" that matters is the witness of your love. THAT is how the world measures evidence of God in the church. I am so tired of hearing "testimonies." Time after time, year after year, I have listened to people tell what God has done to change their lives. I watch those people and I see that they are generally more white-washed than they were before, that they are often making different lifestyle choices, but I don't often see big HEART changes. I see conformity with the church but not transformed, loving hearts.
As a Christian missionary I often found myself incapable of following the formulaic rules of witnessing. I was actually CHASTISED for it in a School of Evangelism (SOE) that I attended. Instead of standing on street corners, I went into pubs. I got to know people on their own turf. I cared about them. I later married my fellow "rebel," my fellow evictee from SOE. I saw something in him that I didn't see in the rest of that class. I saw a desire to LOVE that wasn't steeped in tradition or bound by formula, that was willing to meet people right where they're at and love them there, that didn't covet approval of "the church" over Christ's exhortation to LOVE!
Okay, I think I need to write a blog on this. Remember, John, when I go off on a "rant" like this in response to a comment it's because the comment has PROVOKED THOUGHT and that's a good thing.
yeah, I don't do "witnesses" either. what I meant by that is that people can see the the effect that God has in my life by my actions, more so than my words....
People know my past, sure, but the important thing is that they see my present.
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