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I held you tight in my clenched fists until my hands ached from holding you, but I couldn't stop you seeping through my fingers like sand. Bit by bit, in gray and bright tiny pieces you fell away and were caught by the wind, until one day my eyes were opened and I unclenched my fists. I'll admit that it hurt. The motion was unfamiliar and the process slow, but I did it. And you were born up on the wind and for a moment my face stung with the feel of your bright passing, and I felt fear. I wanted to snatch you back, but I couldn't do it. How does one reconstruct a handful of sand?
It's hard to let go of what we know, of what's familiar even when the familiar has begun to hurt or is even long past hurt and well into pain. There is comfort in holding on, and fear in letting go, but change is constant and real, and static is nothing more than an illusion.
And I wish I could stop the world and melt into one pure moment of loving you, but I can't do it. The world exceeds my grasp and continues to spin on it's axis despite my wanting to stop it, and I breathe out and I breathe in and I do it again and again and again, remembering to keep my hands loose because time is relentless and passes tick tock like the clock that murmurs it's passing.
Echos of you resound in my head, and my lips form a reflexive smile as if for a moment I'd captured you.
I can only say that I am grateful for having known the weight and shifting texture of you. I have loved the grit and softness, the way you abraded my skin even as you kissed it, and I'm glad that I held on even when it hurt, and I will hold you always and forever, even as I am blown away bit by shiny bit in flecks of darkness and light into the wind, as I run through the fingers of a different hand and follow you into the wide unknown.
©Just Kate, 2009
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Yes....
John G.
C5
Tim, I was writing my way to truth and acceptance. It's good to see you here.
Chuck, Well, this works --> :0)
Anonymous, Thank you for your kind words!
Ok that just sounds stupid but I think you might find the meaning that words are failing to convey for me here. ♥
I visited their graves last week. There were so many weeds sprouting up around mom and dad. The girls and I had a hard time getting them out of the frozen ground. In the Spring I'll plant something pretty. We cleared Grandma and Grandpa's too. I like to visit and tell the girls stories about my growing up. I did the same with Nic when he was younger. He still loves hearing stories about my dad who was the best grandpa a boy could ask for.
This piece came back to me powerfully as we were waiting for Daniel to open his eyes, waiting for some sign that he would come back to us. And he is coming back to us. We're so grateful. That being said, I think it's important to remember that time runs out and everything changes. I wish I'd known when I was younger that the people I loved wouldn't live forever.
Thank you for your kind words, Aunt Gayla. I ♥ you.
- Amanda Koffler (Vanderwey) :)
www.kitten7v.blogspot.com
I'm always surprised when someone I know face-to-face reads and comments. I'm so used to being read by strangers. Blogging in this forum, where I am known, is very different for me. ANYWAY, thank you for reading and letting me know you were here! :)
can I leave a comment now?
Yes....
John G.
Beautiful. I have missed your writing.
It is good now - if only I knew how to leave a smiley face....
C5
Thank you, John G.
Tim, I was writing my way to truth and acceptance. It's good to see you here.
Chuck, Well, this works --> :0)
Beautiful, Kate. <3
You have not just written gorgeous imagery and prose, you have captured truth.
Evelyn ~♥~ Thanks so much for letting me know you stopped by!
Anonymous, Thank you for your kind words!
The visual of the sand slipping through my fingers although beautiful, is sad. Sad in a lovely way though.
Ok that just sounds stupid but I think you might find the meaning that words are failing to convey for me here. ♥
Not stupid at all, Chickee. I felt both sad and hopeful writing this. Reading it back a short while ago, it made me cry. I think you felt it just right.
You could always write, I remember that about you in school. However, I had no idea that you had become such an accomplished writer. This is beautiful, Katy.
That means a lot to me. I wish I knew who you were. :0) Thank you for reading and for the lovely compliment.
I have treasured this piece ever since you sent it to me last spring. Your Grandfather would have been 100 years old in May, your Father would have been 70 in March, thoughts of your Grandma and of course your sweet Mom. I shared it with my dear friend who just passed away before Thanksgiving. I also shared it with my closest childhood friend who grieves for his brother. We are so blessed to have a writer in the family that writes from her heart. Thank you.
Gayla, I was so surprised to see your comment here. You're the first member of my family that's actually commented one of my blogs. :)
I visited their graves last week. There were so many weeds sprouting up around mom and dad. The girls and I had a hard time getting them out of the frozen ground. In the Spring I'll plant something pretty. We cleared Grandma and Grandpa's too. I like to visit and tell the girls stories about my growing up. I did the same with Nic when he was younger. He still loves hearing stories about my dad who was the best grandpa a boy could ask for.
This piece came back to me powerfully as we were waiting for Daniel to open his eyes, waiting for some sign that he would come back to us. And he is coming back to us. We're so grateful. That being said, I think it's important to remember that time runs out and everything changes. I wish I'd known when I was younger that the people I loved wouldn't live forever.
Thank you for your kind words, Aunt Gayla. I ♥ you.
Truly wonderful, it brought tears to my eyes in the middle of work. I am so happy you are finally blogging or more or less that I found your blog. I look forward to reading more.
- Amanda Koffler (Vanderwey) :)
www.kitten7v.blogspot.com
Amanda,
I'm always surprised when someone I know face-to-face reads and comments. I'm so used to being read by strangers. Blogging in this forum, where I am known, is very different for me. ANYWAY, thank you for reading and letting me know you were here! :)
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