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Memories are diaphanous things. It doesn't matter how close or distant the event. The moment we've lived through a thing we begin to piece it back together again and the process is imprecise at best. It's nothing like matching puzzle pieces. It's more like trying to reconstruct a fire-ravaged building from smoke and burning ash. Yet we have our history books and the journals we keep. We have newspaper articles and clips from magazines. We have the Bible, New American Standard, New International Version, King James. There are biographies, auto-biographies, semi-autobiographical stories, and real-life events that have been fictionalized or perhaps only names were changed to protect the innocent. In reality, I'm not sure that any of it can be quantified as objective truth in the end. Perception colors every experience.
I think of those who perceive the bible as being the literal, infallible word of God. I don’t see it that way at all. I think that if you squeezed the pages, wrung them out like a damp dishcloth, the truth would come dripping out of the bible despite the loss of form. In that way it is God-breathed to me.
My first rough draft of my first novel is nearly finished and I've been struggling with it. The story is fiction and there are places where I am well aware of that when I'm writing or reading back. Other times, the story feels so true that I can barely breath as I'm writing and I can't read it back without crying. Sometimes it hits me like a fist in the gut, it feels that real, that immediate.
I stopped writing for a long while as I tried to tease out the fantasy from reality, but I eventually gave up. If you squeeze my book, the truth will come out. It's not in the details, it's in the heart of it. And that makes it a painful thing because it captures a piece of me that I'm not sure I trust you to hold.
But then again, you can no more hold a piece of me than you can grasp a wisp of smoke or handful of sand. And so what if you misinterpret my heart or intent. So what if you get it all wrong. While I'm writing it, the story is mine. Once it's finished it belongs to whoever reads it. You can do with it what you will, feel it in whatever way you do, and it's all good. If it moves you, read on. If it doesn't, lay it down. I grinned when I wrote that. Writing it felt better than good.
I recently read a book by Dean Koontz – that’s right, shut up! – and I realized that Koontz isn’t a horror-author or a fantasy-author, albeit that’s the genre he writes in, he’s simply a writer, a gifted story-teller. As fantastical as that particular story was, a story about dogs with the intelligence of humans, it was woven through with Koontz’s truth and that’s what captured me and made it feel plausible and real.
Memories are diaphanous things. I started there and I’ll end there. Even when I’m writing something true about me, about my life – a memory - the truth is far less in the details than it is in the heart. I think that recent realization is freeing me to be a better writer.
Maybe one day I’ll be the kind of writer, like Koontz, that can write about something as ridiculous as a dog with a brain to rival that of Einstein and people will be captured by the greater truth hidden in my fiction, the truth being that dogs are beautiful in the simplicity of their love and devotion. Once-upon-a-time a dog helped me survive my childhood. She was my friend, confidant, and guardian angel. Truths like that weave over, around, and through our stories and seep through the substance of our memories.
©Just Kate, May 2010
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***For my friend, Jay, and anyone else who wonders at my intentionally unconventional use of the word "diaphanous" in describing memory. This photo works well as an illustration. I hope other people can see it. If not, tell me!
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Thom! It's great to see you here, my friend. :)
This blog was partly born from my daughter asking me to give her more information about something that happened a long time ago. I typed and erased again and again, wanting to remember and retell it all for her precisely and exactly. It was exhausting. In the end, I think I did a good job of it. I ran it by my husband and he agreed. Still, I know that I can't CAPTURE the truth for her even though it's our shared story.
Anyway, I'm not sure if this blog will resonate with anyone else but I felt compelled to post it, maybe just as a reminder to me of this little epiphany that memory isn't very precise and truth is bigger than details.
I'm going to dictionary.com next!
LOL, Jay! My use of the word was intentionally unconventional. I like the vision of memory being like a diaphanous gown - insubstantial, slightly see through, flowing. I had the perfect picture to illustrate my vision but I threw it out at the last minute when I decided to go with the title of "Squeeze This Book." I'll edit the blog and show the photo at the bottom, so you can see what I mean. You can let me know if it makes sense then. :)
Good writing transcends genre. And nothing is more important that character and relatibility. From what i have seen, I have no doubt that you will bring a work of Truth and insight.
Bring the heat, Girlie. We got your back!!!
You said that beautifully, Jesse. I know that there are as many types of books as there are people, but the stuff I like to read is all deeply true regardless of the "frame."
Even stories like Alice in the Wonderland are true, aren't they? :)
Expanding on the idea, sometimes we can get stuck trying to recall a specific memory, we may doubt our own perception or feel like we need to know more detail about the past to fully comprehend it, but I think the details are less important than the feeling of a memory. We should trust our instincts and the general sense of a thing.
And back to the bible, Jesus spoke in parables rather than speaking directly. He captured the most powerful truths by telling stories.
Just thinking it through... :)
Nice work Kate.
I'm cool with that.
Jesse, I appreciate the fact that you are someone who engages my mind and is willing to think with me. It's one of the things I most value about our friendship. And your blog comments are always just right somehow. I feel quite blessed that you take the time to read, comment, and occasionally even "talk" with me via these blogversations. :)
Are you kidding me, Jesse? Seriously?!! I had to publish this comment even though I'm fairly sure you didn't intend for me to do so, because I want to make a public declaration here.
I love unstructured conversation, free-thinking, free-flowing dialogue. I LOVE IT. When something I write sparks a tangent, I want to hear about it! I want to chase it with you. :) It's one of my favorite things to do.
When I published this blog I hoped that people would talk with me about whatever came to mind. It helps me find clarity and often I uncover something hidden that was trying to poke through and needed help to find its way out!
For conversation to flow-freely, I can't be trying to channel it. I'm love to write whatever comes in response to a comment, even if it means that I veer "off track" - who cares?!! Thinking is fun, it's an adventure. I love, love, love blogversations.
Edit you for flow? I THINK NOT!
xoxo
You packed a lot of wisdom into that little comment, my friend. :)
Reading through what you wrote about facts being amorphous I was brought back to the idea of people being human fractals, infinitely complex, ordered chaos, beauty in a mess. :) William P. Young spoke of it in his book The Shack.
I'm also intrigued by the the shades of difference between amorphous and diaphanous. I like amorphous for facts and diaphanous for memories. I'm taken by the vision of a woman's body glimpsed through layers of a diaphanous dress. It seems very apropos to memory. I also think of different places I've lived around the world where living spaces are draped in gauzy mosquito netting. When seen through that gauzy fabric, everything is slightly distorted and hazy.
People think that facts are hard, concrete, but more frequently they are not. They are subjective. There are so many layers of truth - it bends and reflects like light, and scatters different colors.
And memory can't be cast in concrete or stone either. It's more liquid or fluid. The truth of it remains, regardless of what shape it's poured into.
Hm...
So much is perception, which is why I always try and get the heart of it. I don't do that as much as I would like, but I totally get your meaning. The way people try to express the same concept can be different and the arguments can be about the different ways of expressing it, when the core point on both sides of the debate are the same.
I think that is why I boiled down my religious upbringing to love, treat others as you would have them treat you, acceptance, and forgiveness. Those lessons were the most important to me.
I am so glad you came to that conclusion about your writing. Have I always 'seen' you.... no... I wish I was spot on every time, but I am not. It doesn't change my love and appreciation for the beauty of who you are, though.
I do love to try to 'see' you all the time, though. I really really enjoy sharing with you and getting to know you better.
So, I hope you do share your book, and write more. I will always want to read anything you EVER write.
Love ya,
Drew
I'm honored that you see so much good in me. I sometimes wish I could borrow your glasses. :) It feels like a lot to live up to and I know I really can't. I'm learning to live with and embrace my imperfections and to just let myself BE. That doesn't mean I don't challenge myself to learn and grow, I always will, it just means that I'm letting go a bit and it's reflected in my writing. I need to let the story go and stop trying to make it fit into a certain package. It is what it is. Art is a scary thing because it erases rules. Writing, to me, is art. I'm learning to color outside the lines. That's reflected in my life as well. It feels good. :)
P.S. I think you're pretty cool, too!
I never thought of it that way, but I agree with what you write...it's in the heart what we write. And when a person reads it, they can do with it as they choose.
Thom! It's great to see you here, my friend. :)
This blog was partly born from my daughter asking me to give her more information about something that happened a long time ago. I typed and erased again and again, wanting to remember and retell it all for her precisely and exactly. It was exhausting. In the end, I think I did a good job of it. I ran it by my husband and he agreed. Still, I know that I can't CAPTURE the truth for her even though it's our shared story.
Anyway, I'm not sure if this blog will resonate with anyone else but I felt compelled to post it, maybe just as a reminder to me of this little epiphany that memory isn't very precise and truth is bigger than details.
I am SO looking forward to the day you have your novel published...it will be awesome! Until then, I'll brush up on my vocabulary and learn things like, "what the heck does diaphanous mean???"
I'm going to dictionary.com next!
LOL, Jay! My use of the word was intentionally unconventional. I like the vision of memory being like a diaphanous gown - insubstantial, slightly see through, flowing. I had the perfect picture to illustrate my vision but I threw it out at the last minute when I decided to go with the title of "Squeeze This Book." I'll edit the blog and show the photo at the bottom, so you can see what I mean. You can let me know if it makes sense then. :)
kate, I am sooooo looking forward to your novel. We write what we live, one way or the other. Genre is a myth. The best thing I ever read was Ender's Game... a sci-fi novel by Orson Scott Card. It had a splash of Sci-fi with a HUGE dose of character.
Good writing transcends genre. And nothing is more important that character and relatibility. From what i have seen, I have no doubt that you will bring a work of Truth and insight.
Bring the heat, Girlie. We got your back!!!
You said that beautifully, Jesse. I know that there are as many types of books as there are people, but the stuff I like to read is all deeply true regardless of the "frame."
Even stories like Alice in the Wonderland are true, aren't they? :)
Expanding on the idea, sometimes we can get stuck trying to recall a specific memory, we may doubt our own perception or feel like we need to know more detail about the past to fully comprehend it, but I think the details are less important than the feeling of a memory. We should trust our instincts and the general sense of a thing.
And back to the bible, Jesus spoke in parables rather than speaking directly. He captured the most powerful truths by telling stories.
Just thinking it through... :)
"Just thinking it through..." Well there ya go. I gotta think life would be so much better if more of us thought things through. That is what i count on when i read your blogs, that i will have to think things through.
Nice work Kate.
Jesse, I appreciate the fact that you are someone who engages my mind and is willing to think with me. It's one of the things I most value about our friendship. And your blog comments are always just right somehow. I feel quite blessed that you take the time to read, comment, and occasionally even "talk" with me via these blogversations. :)
BTW... You don't have to publish my comments every time. Please feel free to edit as necessary to preserve the flow of your blog.
I'm cool with that.
Are you kidding me, Jesse? Seriously?!! I had to publish this comment even though I'm fairly sure you didn't intend for me to do so, because I want to make a public declaration here.
I love unstructured conversation, free-thinking, free-flowing dialogue. I LOVE IT. When something I write sparks a tangent, I want to hear about it! I want to chase it with you. :) It's one of my favorite things to do.
When I published this blog I hoped that people would talk with me about whatever came to mind. It helps me find clarity and often I uncover something hidden that was trying to poke through and needed help to find its way out!
For conversation to flow-freely, I can't be trying to channel it. I'm love to write whatever comes in response to a comment, even if it means that I veer "off track" - who cares?!! Thinking is fun, it's an adventure. I love, love, love blogversations.
Edit you for flow? I THINK NOT!
xoxo
I believe truth, like memories, like so many "facts", are amorphous. There are so many different opinions about so many different things and it is difficult if not impossible to nail down what is *right*. A lot of people struggle with trying to create structure when there is meant to be none. If we can accept the differences in truth for different people, even for ourselves in different phases of life, we can experience a whole new kind of peace. Peace in accepting that these changes and these differences are what make life beautifully dynamic.
@Rebecca Hoffman
You packed a lot of wisdom into that little comment, my friend. :)
Reading through what you wrote about facts being amorphous I was brought back to the idea of people being human fractals, infinitely complex, ordered chaos, beauty in a mess. :) William P. Young spoke of it in his book The Shack.
I'm also intrigued by the the shades of difference between amorphous and diaphanous. I like amorphous for facts and diaphanous for memories. I'm taken by the vision of a woman's body glimpsed through layers of a diaphanous dress. It seems very apropos to memory. I also think of different places I've lived around the world where living spaces are draped in gauzy mosquito netting. When seen through that gauzy fabric, everything is slightly distorted and hazy.
People think that facts are hard, concrete, but more frequently they are not. They are subjective. There are so many layers of truth - it bends and reflects like light, and scatters different colors.
And memory can't be cast in concrete or stone either. It's more liquid or fluid. The truth of it remains, regardless of what shape it's poured into.
Hm...
Kate this was awesome! I love it. I miss reading your blogs... I need to catch up and stay on top of it... ;-)
So much is perception, which is why I always try and get the heart of it. I don't do that as much as I would like, but I totally get your meaning. The way people try to express the same concept can be different and the arguments can be about the different ways of expressing it, when the core point on both sides of the debate are the same.
I think that is why I boiled down my religious upbringing to love, treat others as you would have them treat you, acceptance, and forgiveness. Those lessons were the most important to me.
I am so glad you came to that conclusion about your writing. Have I always 'seen' you.... no... I wish I was spot on every time, but I am not. It doesn't change my love and appreciation for the beauty of who you are, though.
I do love to try to 'see' you all the time, though. I really really enjoy sharing with you and getting to know you better.
So, I hope you do share your book, and write more. I will always want to read anything you EVER write.
Love ya,
Drew
@Andrew
I'm honored that you see so much good in me. I sometimes wish I could borrow your glasses. :) It feels like a lot to live up to and I know I really can't. I'm learning to live with and embrace my imperfections and to just let myself BE. That doesn't mean I don't challenge myself to learn and grow, I always will, it just means that I'm letting go a bit and it's reflected in my writing. I need to let the story go and stop trying to make it fit into a certain package. It is what it is. Art is a scary thing because it erases rules. Writing, to me, is art. I'm learning to color outside the lines. That's reflected in my life as well. It feels good. :)
P.S. I think you're pretty cool, too!
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