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I've heard it said that once spoken certain words cannot be unsaid that it's impossible to get past the pain of them. Once upon a time, I even believed it. I don't believe it anymore. Life has taught me that people feel things in a moment that don't represent how they feel in general. Which one of us hasn't thought something perfectly awful about someone we love? Which of us hasn't had a moment or two of gross unfairness or wrong-headedness? So, what leads to the idea that we cannot recover from rashly or harshly spoken words? I think it's pride, plain and simple. Surely, we're not so fragile that we can be irreparably undone in a moment. Words hurt, it's true. I even wrote a blog about it, called Sticks and Stones and Broken Bones. Hurtful words spoken over a lifetime or the course of a childhood can cripple the hearer, but that is not the same as words spoken between adults, words that should not have been said. Perhaps we can't snatch them back again, but we can ask for or extend forgiveness.
Another thing I don't believe in is the concept of burning bridges. Once again, why can't we get past "bad moments," even horrifying moments? Should we subject ourselves to evil people, of course not, but we can get past doors slammed shut. We can tie a rope to a burned bridge and leap across.
When I was growing up I spent a lot of time at the rivers and lakes that surrounded our home. One of my favorite spots had a massive tree with a rope tied in it. We would inch our way across a perfectly extended branch, grab hold of the rope, and swing right across the water, then free-fall into it. What's to stop us from doing the same thing when confronted by a burned bridge? :) Pride? That's probably the biggest factor. But if we're willing to ask for or extend forgiveness, we can swing across and free-fall back into a broken friendship or family relationship. That being said, the fact that we can doesn't necessarily mean that we should.
I'm glad that I've come to a place where I recognize the truth that it's possible to heal from having spoken or heard hurtful words that it's possible to swing across a burned bridge. Perhaps we won't find a foothold on the other side, but that shouldn't prevent us from trying if it's what we feel. We're not responsible for how other people react, we're only responsible for our own actions, for being true to ourselves.
©Just Kate, May 2010
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Cuz - Yes, some people are toxic and dangerous and it's important to know who those people are and to stand firm against their entreaties to let bygones be bygones. That being said, I think toxic relationships are the exception rather than the rule. Most of us probably have at least one or two toxic relationships. Sadly, I think most of those relationships are between family members. :( Sometimes the people who arguably should love us the most serially do the most unforgivable things.
I have let go of people, some permanently and necessarily because they were toxic, others because I only have so much time and need to chose where and how I invest it. We all have to make those choices.
I'm speaking more directly to relationships that are ruined over arguably petty things, relationships that could be repaired if pride was set aside. In my mind, the biggest obstacle to forgiveness in those specific instances is pride. Someone says something that hurts our feelings and we choose to nurse a grudge or perhaps we say something harshly in the moment and don't seek forgiveness or repaired relationship because we fear it won't be granted.
Nice to see you, Kev. :)
Nice to see you, too. :))
Of course, the other side of that coin contains the 'what to do' conflict of forgiving ongoing hurtful and even hateful
words being doled out unmercifully by one who is so
unconscious of their own issues and o
how to properly deal with them, that they need to release
their fury upon a loved one (I use the term loosely in
reference here), who isn't deserving. I've been the recipient
of such hurtful and truly horrible words that I, the forgiving
one, have been unable to bring myself to that point of
forgiveness yet- even knowing I would be doing it for me. In doing so, it feels as though that act of forgivness might lead me to forget, and I may end up allowing it to happen
again. Perhaps in not forgiving, I can hold on to enough of
that bitterness that I will never again be a victim of the
repeated verbal and emotional abuse. It can't hurt if I don't
forgive just one person, right?
Wrong. It can and will hurt eventually, as much as the
words did each and every time. Like a cancer, it will
eventually erode who I truly am, and possibly even make it
easier for me not to forgive others in the future. What some
people don't understand is that just because you forgive, it doesn't necessarily mean an acidic relationship or person is granted the right to continue their poor or misguided behavior - at least not with the person who has truly forgiven. It's okay, and just, in such cases, to forgive and still walk away.
I completely agree that petty, angry words do sting, however, looking past the fleeting moment when one knows that is the case, is the key, as Katy says in her article. Life is fleeting, and one never truly knows what may come for them or someone close to them, next. Why spend them paralyzed, instead of setting ones self free. :)
I truly believe we need that, if we're going to thrive and live, we need to keep the door open for new possibilities.
There's a flip side to this too (and I've just emailed you about it), in knowing there are some people for whom it is impossible to change; where the possibility for a hopeful outcome ranges from slim to none.
Doesn't mean we need to let that change who we are though.
Ok I'm stuck and you've got me thinking again. May have to blog this one out. Not sure yet. :)
A timely topic for me, Kate. Setting boundaries around a toxic relationship and resisting the urge to poke holes in that fence while forgiving and walking away....full day's work there.
Thanks for dragging my subconscious out into the sunshine.
Kev, I also meant to say that I generally agree with you about business relationships. That being said, my father was a businessman who gave people second and third chances often to his own detriment. He always valued investments in people over monetary investments. It drove my brother crazy. When my father died he set himself up to be the avenger of all those to whom my father had shown grace and extended forgiveness. The memory still makes me sad. I truly admired my father's heart toward people and the fact the didn't begrudge a lost buck - or even tens of thousands - if it resulted in a learning experience, growth, and restored relationship. I would never have felt the need to avenge his grace, albeit I doubt I would have extended it so freely myself. It just goes to show how different we all are. We can only really generalize. As always, I'm just thinking. Thanks for taking a few moments to think with me. :)
Anonymous, This is a wonderful, thoughtful comment, and I truly appreciate you taking the time to make it!
I agree that forgiveness brings freedom. There are people in my life that I have extended forgiveness to but will no longer extended my hand to. Why? Self-preservation. I learned the hard way that some people are caught up in behavior patterns they are unable to change -- that they will inflict hurt time and time again and opening the door to them is masochistic.
I also believe in the existence of human evil. M. Scott Peck wrote a book called The People of the Lie that succinctly speaks to the issue of human evil and provides excellent case studies as examples.
Even in the face of relentlessly hurtful people and evil people, forgiveness can be extended. It took me a long time to really FEEL a sense of forgiveness toward a family member who hurt me horribly and would continue to do so were I to crack the door open, but I finally did come to a place where I genuinely wish him well. When I reached that place I knew I'd managed to let him go. What's done is done and I believe I am a better person for having experienced what I did. The forgiveness feels good. Does he "deserve" it? Nope. That's totally beside the point. Grace extended feels good. If I had not forgiven him, I would still be suffering and thus allowing him to hurt me further.
In the end, it's the best for me and it's also best for the world, I think. Our collective thoughts are powerful and the more positive they are the better. Mother Theresa said that when we have no peace it's because we've forgotten that we belong to each other.
Wow, long rambling comment from me! Yours was very thought provoking. Thanks again!
If you know who you are, and hurtful words are spoken in the heat of battle, you can recognize them as just that, and hopefully move on in grace and forgiveness when clearer heads prevail. Believe me, being married to an alcoholic for many years...I've been called everything under the sun! She was usually drunk, and she usually didn't even remember what she said when she sobered up. Usually, what she blurted out didn't ring true with who I felt I was, so I didn't take it to heart and it never ate away at me. But it did cause a awful lot of heartache and misery in the moment. But as you said, we aren't responsible for how others act, just our reaction. I never allowed myself to "go there" with her, and engage in the name calling. Anyway, I don't know why I went there in my comments, and not sure how to end it! Good insightful blog...filled, as always, with your wisdom. Thanks!
I agree so much with what you have said here. I have many times said hurtful and ugly things to the people I love. I am so angry with myself when I do it and I say I am sorry, but still feel the lingering bitterness of my ugliness linger on my tongue. I wish so badly I could just learn to latch my mouth shut when I am angry. You are so right though that we can forgive each other for hurtful words and go on, although I agree that we should not subject ourself to being around someone who does this to us on a constant basis. I thought I subscribed to your blogs and they would come to my personal e-mail, but they haven't so far. Love you my friend, Annette B.
New possibilities, hope, second chances... We're never as "stuck" as we think we are. A friend recently told me that she had irreparably damaged a friendship she cherished because she was in a bad space and behaved badly. I asked her why she didn't ask for forgiveness and she said her friend would never forgive her. She can assume that and let go of the friendship - that's one choice - or she can risk rejection and ask for forgiveness - that's another. There's no guarantee that her friend will forgive her. Knowing the story, I give it a 50/50 shot. The relationship matters to her so I think it's worth that 50% chance of rejection. Heck, it's worth a 90% chance of rejection. Why must we cling so stubbornly to our pride? (I'm one to talk) :)
But, yes, there are relationships that aren't worth the investment and risk of reconciliation. There are toxic people in the world. You wrote to me of one of them and I agree with you wholeheartedly. Sometimes those toxic people are people we dearly love or want to because we're bound to them in some way or because we're meant to, as with family. That's when the letting go can be painful and slow. I've been there.
Thank you for reading! =D
You're a thinking man, so I doubt there was a lot of dragging involved. lol
Not that long ago you lost someone who you thought was a good friend and that person's actions were horrendous, hurting you and the people you love. I would never open that door again, but that doesn't mean that forgiveness can't be given for your own sake and not for the other persons. Sometimes we forgive and walk away because it's what we need to do for self-preservation. There are times when it would be utterly foolish and destructive to offer a second chance.
I took a shot in the dark here but that's what came to mind when I thought of you. You're a kind man and good. :)
I'm glad you commented the way you did because you illustrate a very good point. You suffered much at the hands of someone you loved. You have such a beautiful heart, my friend, and you endured much, offering grace when it was neither easy nor deserved. I'm glad you let the words spoken from a bottle and not from the heart of your wife, roll off your back and not stick in you. You acted rightly and that's all you could do. She was traveling her own path to self-destruction.
That speaks to me powerfully, Jay. So many people would be mired down in self-pity or ruined by anger and resentment after going through something like that but you're not. You didn't own her actions or reactions, just your own, and you were true to yourself (i.e. your moral code).
I admire you hugely, Jay, in so many ways. :)
Annette, Under my jeans pic, if you click on "Subscribe to posts" it will open up a window with some options. If you click on Google or Yahoo, I believe you will receive notifications via e-mail when I post a blog. You can also subscribe to comments that way and receive notifications when comments are posted.
If you try it, please let me know if it works for you. :)
Back to the blog -- I think I'm more apt to say hurtful things when I'm hurt or fear being hurt than when I'm angry. It might SEEM like I'm angry but that's a self-defense mechanism. I don't like to show vulnerability or weakness. Even writing those words tweaks me. *wry smile*
Thankfully, my husband is not a reactionary man. He lets me feel what I feel and say what I need to say and he doesn't hold it against me, ever. Some people would have a hard time with his inscrutability and unflappability - I've struggled with it myself - but in the end it's something that has contributed to the longevity of our relationship. I fear hearing hurtful, hateful words and he will never speak them. I trust that. He's the ONLY person I have ever trusted in that way. With him, my heart is safe. :)
I've apologized to him more than anyone else I've ever known, and he always looks at me like I'm silly and I know he doesn't need to hear the words because he already knows and trusts my heart. Grateful I am.
You got it, right action and keeping the door open... Of course, some people are hurtful and it is wise to some toxic bridges. Cuz :)
Cuz - Yes, some people are toxic and dangerous and it's important to know who those people are and to stand firm against their entreaties to let bygones be bygones. That being said, I think toxic relationships are the exception rather than the rule. Most of us probably have at least one or two toxic relationships. Sadly, I think most of those relationships are between family members. :( Sometimes the people who arguably should love us the most serially do the most unforgivable things.
I know that words used a certain way can cut deep, but I believe we can get past if we let ourselves forgive. That can be the hardest part... forgiving. So as Cuz said, toxic bridges or relationships, which we all have, those you can't really keep the door open on. And may I add a bridge: business bridges. Those you can burn so easily, and once burned, you rarely get them back.
@kdgator
I have let go of people, some permanently and necessarily because they were toxic, others because I only have so much time and need to chose where and how I invest it. We all have to make those choices.
I'm speaking more directly to relationships that are ruined over arguably petty things, relationships that could be repaired if pride was set aside. In my mind, the biggest obstacle to forgiveness in those specific instances is pride. Someone says something that hurts our feelings and we choose to nurse a grudge or perhaps we say something harshly in the moment and don't seek forgiveness or repaired relationship because we fear it won't be granted.
Nice to see you, Kev. :)
Ahhh, I get you. And yep, pride it is.
Nice to see you, too. :))
Kev, I also meant to say that I generally agree with you about business relationships. That being said, my father was a businessman who gave people second and third chances often to his own detriment. He always valued investments in people over monetary investments. It drove my brother crazy. When my father died he set himself up to be the avenger of all those to whom my father had shown grace and extended forgiveness. The memory still makes me sad. I truly admired my father's heart toward people and the fact the didn't begrudge a lost buck - or even tens of thousands - if it resulted in a learning experience, growth, and restored relationship. I would never have felt the need to avenge his grace, albeit I doubt I would have extended it so freely myself. It just goes to show how different we all are. We can only really generalize. As always, I'm just thinking. Thanks for taking a few moments to think with me. :)
Ah... An interesting and all too forgotten topic - forgiveness. I have such mixed feelings it compels me to reply. :) I am a very forgiving person - always have been -sometimes to my own detriment. I've always believed and inherently known that forgiveness isn't really designed for the 'wrongdoer' - but instead, for the one who has been wronged. To forgive is to absolve ones self of bitterness, anger, hate, and negativity, all of which hold us back from who we are, and keep us paralyzed, truly unable to shed ourselves of each layer of unforgiven that builds upon the last. Before one knows it, they find themselves being stereotyped (perhaps rightly so) into being a 'bitter old man or woman.'
Of course, the other side of that coin contains the 'what to do' conflict of forgiving ongoing hurtful and even hateful
words being doled out unmercifully by one who is so
unconscious of their own issues and o
how to properly deal with them, that they need to release
their fury upon a loved one (I use the term loosely in
reference here), who isn't deserving. I've been the recipient
of such hurtful and truly horrible words that I, the forgiving
one, have been unable to bring myself to that point of
forgiveness yet- even knowing I would be doing it for me. In doing so, it feels as though that act of forgivness might lead me to forget, and I may end up allowing it to happen
again. Perhaps in not forgiving, I can hold on to enough of
that bitterness that I will never again be a victim of the
repeated verbal and emotional abuse. It can't hurt if I don't
forgive just one person, right?
Wrong. It can and will hurt eventually, as much as the
words did each and every time. Like a cancer, it will
eventually erode who I truly am, and possibly even make it
easier for me not to forgive others in the future. What some
people don't understand is that just because you forgive, it doesn't necessarily mean an acidic relationship or person is granted the right to continue their poor or misguided behavior - at least not with the person who has truly forgiven. It's okay, and just, in such cases, to forgive and still walk away.
I completely agree that petty, angry words do sting, however, looking past the fleeting moment when one knows that is the case, is the key, as Katy says in her article. Life is fleeting, and one never truly knows what may come for them or someone close to them, next. Why spend them paralyzed, instead of setting ones self free. :)
Anonymous, This is a wonderful, thoughtful comment, and I truly appreciate you taking the time to make it!
I agree that forgiveness brings freedom. There are people in my life that I have extended forgiveness to but will no longer extended my hand to. Why? Self-preservation. I learned the hard way that some people are caught up in behavior patterns they are unable to change -- that they will inflict hurt time and time again and opening the door to them is masochistic.
I also believe in the existence of human evil. M. Scott Peck wrote a book called The People of the Lie that succinctly speaks to the issue of human evil and provides excellent case studies as examples.
Even in the face of relentlessly hurtful people and evil people, forgiveness can be extended. It took me a long time to really FEEL a sense of forgiveness toward a family member who hurt me horribly and would continue to do so were I to crack the door open, but I finally did come to a place where I genuinely wish him well. When I reached that place I knew I'd managed to let him go. What's done is done and I believe I am a better person for having experienced what I did. The forgiveness feels good. Does he "deserve" it? Nope. That's totally beside the point. Grace extended feels good. If I had not forgiven him, I would still be suffering and thus allowing him to hurt me further.
In the end, it's the best for me and it's also best for the world, I think. Our collective thoughts are powerful and the more positive they are the better. Mother Theresa said that when we have no peace it's because we've forgotten that we belong to each other.
Wow, long rambling comment from me! Yours was very thought provoking. Thanks again!
I like this post because of the shining vein of hope that threads its way throughout.
I truly believe we need that, if we're going to thrive and live, we need to keep the door open for new possibilities.
There's a flip side to this too (and I've just emailed you about it), in knowing there are some people for whom it is impossible to change; where the possibility for a hopeful outcome ranges from slim to none.
Doesn't mean we need to let that change who we are though.
Ok I'm stuck and you've got me thinking again. May have to blog this one out. Not sure yet. :)
=) Love it. And agree with Mr Wolfshades above!!!! =)
Thank you for reading! =D
"...forgiveness isn't really designed for the 'wrongdoer' - but instead, for the one who has been wronged." Well said.
A timely topic for me, Kate. Setting boundaries around a toxic relationship and resisting the urge to poke holes in that fence while forgiving and walking away....full day's work there.
Thanks for dragging my subconscious out into the sunshine.
You're a thinking man, so I doubt there was a lot of dragging involved. lol
Not that long ago you lost someone who you thought was a good friend and that person's actions were horrendous, hurting you and the people you love. I would never open that door again, but that doesn't mean that forgiveness can't be given for your own sake and not for the other persons. Sometimes we forgive and walk away because it's what we need to do for self-preservation. There are times when it would be utterly foolish and destructive to offer a second chance.
I took a shot in the dark here but that's what came to mind when I thought of you. You're a kind man and good. :)
"We're not responsible for how other people react, we're only responsible for our own actions, for being true to ourselves." ......your closing sentence resonates with me. Just be true to yourself, be true to what is right, more importantly.
If you know who you are, and hurtful words are spoken in the heat of battle, you can recognize them as just that, and hopefully move on in grace and forgiveness when clearer heads prevail. Believe me, being married to an alcoholic for many years...I've been called everything under the sun! She was usually drunk, and she usually didn't even remember what she said when she sobered up. Usually, what she blurted out didn't ring true with who I felt I was, so I didn't take it to heart and it never ate away at me. But it did cause a awful lot of heartache and misery in the moment. But as you said, we aren't responsible for how others act, just our reaction. I never allowed myself to "go there" with her, and engage in the name calling. Anyway, I don't know why I went there in my comments, and not sure how to end it! Good insightful blog...filled, as always, with your wisdom. Thanks!
I'm glad you commented the way you did because you illustrate a very good point. You suffered much at the hands of someone you loved. You have such a beautiful heart, my friend, and you endured much, offering grace when it was neither easy nor deserved. I'm glad you let the words spoken from a bottle and not from the heart of your wife, roll off your back and not stick in you. You acted rightly and that's all you could do. She was traveling her own path to self-destruction.
That speaks to me powerfully, Jay. So many people would be mired down in self-pity or ruined by anger and resentment after going through something like that but you're not. You didn't own her actions or reactions, just your own, and you were true to yourself (i.e. your moral code).
I admire you hugely, Jay, in so many ways. :)
Hi Kate, it's Annette. I am so glad you posted this again on FB as I missed the posting the first time.
I agree so much with what you have said here. I have many times said hurtful and ugly things to the people I love. I am so angry with myself when I do it and I say I am sorry, but still feel the lingering bitterness of my ugliness linger on my tongue. I wish so badly I could just learn to latch my mouth shut when I am angry. You are so right though that we can forgive each other for hurtful words and go on, although I agree that we should not subject ourself to being around someone who does this to us on a constant basis. I thought I subscribed to your blogs and they would come to my personal e-mail, but they haven't so far. Love you my friend, Annette B.
Annette, Under my jeans pic, if you click on "Subscribe to posts" it will open up a window with some options. If you click on Google or Yahoo, I believe you will receive notifications via e-mail when I post a blog. You can also subscribe to comments that way and receive notifications when comments are posted.
If you try it, please let me know if it works for you. :)
Back to the blog -- I think I'm more apt to say hurtful things when I'm hurt or fear being hurt than when I'm angry. It might SEEM like I'm angry but that's a self-defense mechanism. I don't like to show vulnerability or weakness. Even writing those words tweaks me. *wry smile*
Thankfully, my husband is not a reactionary man. He lets me feel what I feel and say what I need to say and he doesn't hold it against me, ever. Some people would have a hard time with his inscrutability and unflappability - I've struggled with it myself - but in the end it's something that has contributed to the longevity of our relationship. I fear hearing hurtful, hateful words and he will never speak them. I trust that. He's the ONLY person I have ever trusted in that way. With him, my heart is safe. :)
I've apologized to him more than anyone else I've ever known, and he always looks at me like I'm silly and I know he doesn't need to hear the words because he already knows and trusts my heart. Grateful I am.
@wolfshades.com
New possibilities, hope, second chances... We're never as "stuck" as we think we are. A friend recently told me that she had irreparably damaged a friendship she cherished because she was in a bad space and behaved badly. I asked her why she didn't ask for forgiveness and she said her friend would never forgive her. She can assume that and let go of the friendship - that's one choice - or she can risk rejection and ask for forgiveness - that's another. There's no guarantee that her friend will forgive her. Knowing the story, I give it a 50/50 shot. The relationship matters to her so I think it's worth that 50% chance of rejection. Heck, it's worth a 90% chance of rejection. Why must we cling so stubbornly to our pride? (I'm one to talk) :)
But, yes, there are relationships that aren't worth the investment and risk of reconciliation. There are toxic people in the world. You wrote to me of one of them and I agree with you wholeheartedly. Sometimes those toxic people are people we dearly love or want to because we're bound to them in some way or because we're meant to, as with family. That's when the letting go can be painful and slow. I've been there.
Thanks, Kate. Your comment was touching. :)
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