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I wish for everything to be linear and to MAKE SENSE. I wish to feel the right feelings in the right order and to take the right steps forward, in the right direction. That said, I'm glad that I'm only occasionally granted that wish. I think there's brilliance in the fumbling and brilliance in the mess, if only we can embrace our imperfections. It's in our mistakes that we LEARN and GROW and become better. It's in the darkness that we reach towards God - towards LIGHT - and in the reaching we connect with something so much bigger than ourselves. I love that.
If I could, I'd make it so that I never felt pain or dread or fear. I'd never misstep and, thus, never need feel guilt again. Thank God, I won’t get those wishes granted. When I look back over my life, some of the things that felt like the biggest disasters ended up being godsends and some of my biggest mistakes made fertile ground for growing in. Ask any gardener what makes his garden grow. Ha! He'll tell you it's SHIT! ;)
I wish I understood myself better. I wish I wasn't prone to bouts of outrageousness. It all seems incongruent with the "other me" that is a spiritual, thinking person - a writer and a bit of a philosopher.
Do spiritual people say "SHIT"?
The fact is that there are many different things that co-exist inside of me that would seem to be mutually exclusive but they aren't. There are many different truths contained inside of each of us. We're human fractals - infinitely complex - ordered chaos - beauty in the guise of a mess.
Let me offer a more concrete explanation of what I'm trying to say here: When I was a little girl, I used to wish that my mom didn't have Multiple Sclerosis. I wished and we prayed but God never saw fit to grant us that wish. For the longest time I didn't understand. I was angry at God. Why did he allow my mother to suffer while my uncle, who molested me, enjoyed ridiculously good health? WHY? It didn't make sense. And, why, for that matter, did God allow me to be molested?
I don't have enough time to explain this in the confines of a blog but, suffice it to say, I'm grateful for those hard things. Yeah, I'm grateful for them. My mom was not handicapped. Yes, her body was broken, but her spirit was BEAUTIFUL! Who knows what she would have been without that disease. Who knows whether it would have been better for her. Would she have been as deeply spiritual, as compassionate, as kind, as empathetic?
And what about me: from whence did my compassion, empathy, and kindness come? Ah, I learned from my mother. I have adopted abused children. Why? Because I know the pain of abuse. My compassion compels me to act. Do you understand me, friends? I thank God that my wishes remain only wishes because I would seek to avoid hard things, but the hard things have made me better.
I haven't even touched on the mistakes I've made in my life -- on my regrets. I'd really like to erase some of them and I'd like to never make another mistake as long as I live, but we know that's not going to happen. I'm human and, as such, I am incapable of perfection.
So, I wish to accept myself, and others, as we are, in the midst of our imperfections, mistakes, and messes. I wish to live a life characterized by love and compassion. Along the way, I know I'll make mistakes. I'll do the thing I wish not to do. I'll suffer self- recrimination.
In the end, however, I'm grateful that my wishes blow away on the wind. I'll take life as it comes, my friends, moment by moment, as God sees fit to grant it.
©Just Kate, 2008
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Amy
Thanks so much for reading and letting me know you were here!
Like you, I have never ENJOYED the hard things in my life. While they were happening, I wanted nothing more than to escape them, which is only NATURAL, yes? We are wired to avoid pain physically and emotionally! It's a basic survival mechanism. That being said, pain will come and when it's gone -- or has faded a bit -- we can learn and grow from it and allow it to make us better if we're willing to let go of anger and bitterness and our ILLUSIONS that had things been different, the outcome would have been better! We can't ever KNOW that! Perhaps had things gone as we dreamed them or wished them, we might have ended up in a hot mess!
I don't wish for hard things but I know hard things will come. I pray for the grace to endure them well and to recognize the lessons as they come - or at least in retrospect. *smiles*
I'm glad you're able to see the good that came through the pain of your marriage. So many people never get there and they needlessly suffer FOREVER.
I am also grateful for the comment glitch because it allowed me to come back and read Amy's comment. I identify with everything she said very closely. It was nice to hear someone else say "I want to be bitter" because at times I feel that way.
♥
You know me, I'm no Pollyanna. I'm simply speaking the truth that the rotting compost in my garden bed, laced with a healthy dose of MANURE, makes fertile ground for beautiful flowers and fresh vegetables to grow. It's the same with our lives -- the ugly, stinking, rotting messes often build the most grace and beauty in us. It's not that we court them or desire them, simply that we acknowledge the potential of them - to be able to say in the midst of a hard thing that something good may yet come! There's hope in that.
And, truly, most of what is brightest and most beautiful in my own life was born in pain and in the "mistakes" I made. There was a time when people I loved referred to my son as a "mistake" and I was ASHAMED of myself. I wish I could go back and relive those moments because there was no cause for shame there. That child is the most beautiful thing to come from my life, period. See? :) I know you do.
xoxo
I actually don't cuss much either. You captured my intent perfectly! *grins*
And you brought up another excellent point: life would indeed be boring without the various challenges we face. Aren't our favorite books and movies made up of equal parts joy and sorrow? It's the triumph over hardship and the growing THROUGH it, that captivates us!
♥ Kate
C5
Kate... I am so glad you are back blogging in the wonderful "Just Kate" sytle. I can't tell you how the sentence above really impacted me. I have been through many trials in my life. I am thankful for them for they made me stronger today. I know that at times, I don't understand the "why me" end of it, but I know that someday it will all make sense. My motto is always been "Come What May". I know I can handle anything because of my trials.
~Carla
C5 - I love to think of you smiling and dreaming. :)
It's natural to say "why me?" When I look back to my childhood, I often wonder why my brother was the favored child despite his penchant for cruelty and his selfishness, while I was kind and cared for my mother and was despised by my father. It's hard to comprehend. However, I eventually reached a place inside where I realized that the favoritism he experienced did not serve him well. He is a hard man, lacking in conscience and compassion, a man who pretends spirituality but it's an empty thing. He lives to be the best, seeking to never lose the place he was given in childhood. No matter how good he looks on the OUTSIDE, thinking of what's on the INSIDE of him makes me terribly sad. And what did the hardship I experienced, the lack of favor, produce in me? It's not all good, I won't pretend that, but there is MUCH GOOD: empathy, kindness, compassion, spirituality. How can I not be grateful for those things? I would not trade places with my brother for anything in the world.
I eventually had to surrender to the truth that I couldn't change what was happening to me or what HAD happened to me; I could only change how I responded to it and chose to view it.
Anyway, hang in, my friend, you have a lovely spirit!
You said, "...we can live in the light and we can evolve and ascend." I love that. Our response to the circumstances we're given is up to us! We can become mired down in pain and bitterness or we can stretch and grow and allow ourselves to be made better.
As for reaping what we sow, I'm not so sure. Time and time again I see the cheater prosper and the liar believed in. When we look for things to be "fair" in this life, we can set ourselves up for a huge amount of bitterness. That being said, I do believe that what goes around EVENTUALLY comes around in the scope of eternity.
Writing that last paragraph, I was reminded of the story of Jesus. According to bible stories, Jesus was full of love and light and he was tortured to death while an evil man was pardoned. It would seem the ultimate injustice and yet his pain became a beautiful thing and in the scope of eternity, he triumphed. :) So, yes, I agree that we reap what we sow, EVENTUALLY.
When I read your life story, I had to constantly remind myself of who you are today - of the beauty that all that pain wrought in you. I see clearly that your empathy was born in suffering. I am always drawn to people who have suffered because there is a depth of compassion there that is rarely found in people who have not. While I find it painful to say that I am grateful for any of what you went through (it makes me cry), I am grateful for YOU. I have no idea who you might have been had you been spared those hard things, but I am sure you would not be the woman I know today who I love and admire hugely.
AND I have learned in my time in this life, through one of those shitty moments, that no child, NO CHILD should ever be thought of as a mistake. Each one no matter the circumstance of his or her conception was meant to be here.
You said, "Everyone knows there is a bunch of 'poop' mixed in there but the garden itself is lovely none-the-less...(and) prospers because of it."
YES! Wonderfully well said, my friend.
It makes me a little bit sick to think that I EVER allowed myself to be guilted into thinking of my pregnancy as a "mistake." It's only one of the reasons why I've turned my back on religion. My God rejoiced in the creation of that child. I hear you loud and clear when you say that each one of us was meant to be here. Yes.
Annette,
I love that you said we need to be a willing part of the learning process! You're absolutely right, my friend. That's part of what I'm talking about when I say that we need to live with INTENTION! If we just drift along, letting life happen to us, we're not going learn and grow!
Thank you for the thoughtful commment, my friend!
In the midst of our failings, our mistakes, and our disasters, I loved what you said, Kate..."So, I wish to accept myself, and others, as we are, in the midst of our imperfections, mistakes, and messes. I wish to live a life characterized by love and compassion". Wow, how that sentence resonates with my soul. I love that you live out your life with such grace, my friend.
Jay,
The C.S. Lewis quote is just perfect and it's so very true. Fire purifies gold. Diamonds are formed under pressure. Babies are birthed in pain. Likewise, we are made stronger by the challenges we face. When we're robbed of adversity, we're robbed of opportunity. We don't seek hardship for the sake of growth but seasons of hardship will eventually come and it's in those seasons that we learn the most, if we're WILLING.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not ASKING for hard things. *wry smile* I've already had a fair share. It's just that I don't want to waste my sorrow or pain. I know you feel me in this, Jay. I look at what I know of your life and I'm blown away by your joyful, positive spirit! You epitomize what I'm talking about here and you inspire me.
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